good loving

today i ache for her. she has been gone since the 4th of may. ours was a difficult relationship, but none the less, the last few years were filled with much joy and comaraderie. i missed her today for all the small things: the phone calls, the wishing me a safe flight “take a safe plane” she would say when we were traveling a bit of a distance. then the call i would make as soon as i landed, so she knew i – we – arrived safely.

She had dementia. It was cruel and uncompromising.  Grabbing you by the heart & soul and it doesn’t let you out of it’s grip. She once said she had no idea who she was any more:  like her body and her mind were taking different walks. The thing about demenia, it’s like a runaway train. There are moments, actual moments, when you think yes oh yes the breaks are going to stop. finally. there will be relief, but then it only slows down, and then… oh my god…

and coupled with that, there’s the whole sibling dynamic. which makes it all so much harder and much more painful, and so much intertwined that gets caught in the branches. the one thing i realized, that i finally understood with every fiber in my being. no one NOT ONE PERSON loves another person the same. we all love differently, and for brothers and sisters, and sisters and sisters and brothers and brothers… how we each love, care for, understand, need, nurture, fight with, argue with, make up  with our parents  …  it’s all different. we love, each of us, in our own way. and no one should judge, or at least try not to, how we love another person.

today my heart aches because i wish i could tell her that i’m having a shitty day so she could say, “you know i hate hearing unpleasant news, call me when you feel better…”

i wish i could call her when i feel better later today.

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