Marrying George Clooney

for years i belonged to a religious community – i would consider myself a faithful follower if that in fact is the correct description. i began this journey at 19, found a community of folks that encouraged, inspired, and engaged me in opening my life, seeing the possibility in all things, believing that nothing was in fact impossible and all was equal. in the past four or five years, there’s been shift – it feels quite internal, and one that could be described as evolution, or at the very least a midlife crisis, although i tend to doubt that. you do something for many years, you often get stuck in a rut and need a new routine, a new face, a new song to dance to. after 32 years of being a part of this ‘faith community’ i found myself questioning the agenda, the motive, the truth so to speak. i often wondered why i had such a hard time speaking up, saying my mind, letting out my frustrations and doubts and feelings on elitist behavior that seemed to permeate certain conversations. a piece here a piece there. then one day i was told i couldn’t remain friends with one of my best friends because he was in fact very good friends with someone the organization feared was an evil doer. i personally thought it would have served everyone a bit better had they just moved this under the header of ego, but far be if for me to raise my hand up that high. none the less, i made a choice. i stood by my friend. for many reasons, and i could probably given the time list them alphabetically, but for the simple reason that he often stood by me. I find that always a good sign. lately i have wondered, usually late at night what it is i’m feeling when i feel that slight twinge move up my spine… and i realize quite wisely that aside from having a ritual every single day twice a day that felt incredibly poetic and filled with reverence; it also became my community. my friends, my sparring partners, my guaranteed friday evening place to be… and as i grew up and out and evolved, the needs i had at 19, and 25, and 38, and 47 seem to vanish. time does that. but what i realize is two fold: faith is personal, and if we’re real lucky it will absolutely appear and manifest the moment we so need it. like that shoulder that comes out of no where so we can rest our head on it, and secondly no one, not one soul can tell you if you do or don’t have faith. Faith is not a daily drive with a few red lights, and destination. Faith is the road you take and the turns you make and the fork you come to and the instant decision to follow your gut.
no one can tell you that.
you sit, you pray, you know. and if you don’t know…well, you pray a bit harder, longer, but an answer appears, and it often feels exactly spot on like it oughta.