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avatar what if…

i am lying in bed, next to ken, and i am wondering to myself (as if there is anyone else i can wonder to in the privacy of my own head) what if…

what if…

i actually said everything that i am thinking — with a lot of fuck’s and one or two cocksucker’s added on. i am thinking this:
being married is fucking hard.
ken is getting a bit older (a teeny… oh, that’s a fucking lie, he’s getting older. period…i mean, who isn’t getting older. oh wait. benjamin frickin’ buttons, he’s not getting older, but he is getting smaller, which i worry about, people seem to be shrinking) i can see it in his fucking hairline.
i am feeling very unsexy. i can see it in my fucking panty line. and my laugh lines, and my lip lines…
i don’t wanna have sex today.
i didn’t wanna have sex last night.
bella is eating, scratching attacking my foot. stop it bella. eat daddy’s foot.
lotus needs to be on meds. she’s too mellow.
i miss my mom. not my brother. i definitely miss my father.
i wish i could write more. like sit down and actually write another book – i love writing.
i wish i had a fucking trust fund.
cocksucker… (just cause i wanna write/say the word today.)
i wish my friend peter was closer. i really fucking miss him.

ken says when i curse a lot i sound like a menopausal woman with tourettes. fuck him fuck him.

i wish i looked like robyn she’s perfectly gorgeous with a perfectly gorgeous body and she works out all the time, and boy oh boy is she absolutely gorgeous.

if i were a lesbian i would marry nancy – be in love with angelina, and and i would be faithful. and maybe i would have a girl-crush on linda.
i wish ken would wake up cause i hate thinking so much.

uh, i like being alone.

not alone alone. just sometimes i like being alone.
ohhhh.
i don’t wanna cook tonight.
i hate my hair. i fucking hate my hair. today is a don king hair day.
i love love dustin. he’s just cooler than cool.
ditto christian & mark.
IMISSBARBARATOOMUCH.
i worry about obama.
i really, truly, deeply hope he worries about me.

and everyone else.
i wonder if my mom’s house sold since no one tells me anything.
i really want ken to wake up so i can stop thinking.
i am going to push him a little.

PUSHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
RIGHT NOW.

hello.
“waaaaaaaaaaaaaa?”
i woke him.
he asks: hey baby, wanna have sex. i’m horny.

uh. no. i prefer being in my head than giving head.

i like this. saying what’s on my mind, too bad i’m not saying it outloud.

it’s gonna be a long day. i can just feel it.

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One Response to “what if…”

  1. avatar
    andieeast

    marriage is hard. love is hard. It’s true!

    But true love, laughing love and understanding love is a very very precious thing. And so yes, it should be hard in a way. Because that valuable is worth fighting for and holding on.

    Take a deep breath, bring yourself to the present, have a nice warm snuggle, appreciate the love and yes!

    YES!


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