Marrying George Clooney

okay. so i’m driving to washington dc from pennsylvania where i live. for the record, i much prefer being the passenger, particularly when ken is driving so i have someone to vent with, at … towards. call me crazy. i love being the passenger, it’s passive-aggressive and i feel, while not really – like i am holding the wheel. or at the very least gripping it with every fiber in my being. so here i am tooling along – 2.5 hours already – doing just fine when all of a sudden,BOOOMM, i come to a fork and this fork does not look familiar one bit. not that any fork looks particularly familiar, but this one truthfully, less so. the big multi-million dollar question: do i go east or west? and just to be real out there clear, i know shit about east west north south. truly. the big question – east or west – one will take me to washington, one will take me back to where i began. i am stuck. i pull into the triangular median, an illegal thing to do, i know. i think. yes, yes, i’ll call ken, my one lifeline. i call him. he answers, i ask: “Hon, do i go east or west?” he hems and haws. hems and fuckin’ haws…. gee, maybe, well, ooooh no, nah .. where are you? hey ken, listen, i say as i’m getting real testy, i have a bunch of cars beginning to pile behind me, and pretty soon i’m gonna need a proctologist, so you gotta think fast, east or west. i’m beginning to hear the first strains of the game show music, the clock ticking, slumdog millionaire comes to mind. EAST go east amy, ken says, the clock almost running out. you sure, you 100% sure ken cause this could fuck me up. No, I’m sure. Yep I’m sure. Go east, i’m positive. okey dokey.

Okey Dokey.
i go east and i feel (intuitively) that this is so not the right way i should be heading. it feels wrong, backwards, out of sink and sorts and i decide to get off the highway at the very first exit and see if someone who has a better sense of direction can help me with this vehicular question. ah hah, a toll booth. i pull into the EZ pass lane, whip out my ex pass like it’s a PI badge, and ask the toll person if he can lead me back to 476 south. yeah sure, you gotta make a u-turn and go back 4 miles, and there it is, and then take i-95, that’ll take you straight to washington. thanks, i say, i got lost. he nods, says; really, you got a GPS? No, I say nope, I got a K.E.N.

so, for now on, michael will be my lifeline, he’s very good with highway, bi-ways, freeways, back roads and east and west. and ken will be my sexy boyfriend slash husband. and everyone will stay happy and no one will get lost.