gotta have friends…

i’ve decided, just today, that i don’t need 50 girlfriends. just 15. 15 is a good number. a strong number. not quite as sexy as say 13 or 17, but 15 is healthy, strong… enough. i have many girlfriends, but not many good slash great girlfriends. okay, maybe definitely more than 15. let me count slash name: barbara, frances, amy f., roberta, beth, robyn, kedren, karen… nancy, terri, holly, marcia, maleyne, donna… laura… maybe one or two more. maybe. oh yeah, bonny. definitely bonny. ellyn, and of course, claire. i’m naming the one’s that are my friends, that want to know how i am, the one’s that i really really like. who would be there in a heartbeat!
which brings me to this: why oh fucking why do we stay in relationships with friends – particularly women friends – that drain us, deplete us, keep us small, make us feel bad, keep us from sharing the good & the bad, put us down, discourage us, and talk nasty, cruel about other women? why oh fucking why? is it that we’re replicating the relationships with our mom? is it that we need to punish ourselves for some unforgiving stupid thing we did when we were 5 years old, or is that we don’t know how to let go of the friends and stuff that causes us pain because maybe we think if we don’t have “that” pain, then we don’t really deeply truly feel? (wow, even i feel like that was too esoterical)
i have a friend who makes me feel god awful about myself ALL THE TIME. and she drains me, and hurts me, and causes me to doubt my own greatness and generosity.
no, i don’t need an intervention — just writing it down cleared it all up. in an instant.
even i shock myself sometimes.

Category: Uncategorized 7 comments »

7 Responses to “gotta have friends…”

Debbie
November 14th, 2009 at 10:01 pm
i have really good friends, but it took me a lot of years and therapy to start picking them better. however, i have a sister that drains me, makes me feel horrible about myself and has been punishing me for the last 20 years. Basically, she’s a ton of work to be around so i have well defined boundaries regarding her. it makes me sad because she is my sister, but it’s either that or having no relationship with her at all, and somehow i couldn’t imagine not having a relationship with her at all. Sick huh.

XXXOOO
Deb
Margaret Andrews
November 16th, 2009 at 5:22 pm
I think it doesn’t even occur to us that breaking up with a friend is even an option. As if it’s a funny notion. You can only break up with lovers and that’s it. So instead of saying, “OK, Mildred, I think we’re through here,” we just sort of screen our calls and try to let it die naturally. And just like with lovers, it hardly ever works. They get mad at you and stalk you and “Why aren’t you returning my calls?” and GAHHH!!!!!

So anyway…I like your outfit. Is that cashmere?
co
November 16th, 2009 at 6:12 pm
your friends should ask you how you are, tell you how thin you are, and then check when you are going through your closet. Well, you lost so much weight that gorgeous dress looks unbecoming and we can’t have that!
Frances
November 16th, 2009 at 10:34 pm
It is such a weird trap to fall in to, to have such strange friendships with people that don’t really benefit us. I try to look on the bright side though, and think that at some level picking those people who aren’t very great to be our friends is important to our growth. And it helps us recognize it when really great friends come along!
I love you and miss you!
Robyn
November 16th, 2009 at 11:20 pm
Love Debbie’s comment. Have the exact same feeling about my sister. Amy, just as I read this I thought of a possible reason we do this. Maybe we hold on to friends because we don’t believe in abundance. Maybe we think if we let this friend go, we’ll never get another one. And if this person likes us, we better hold on to them, cause hell… it’s not easy to get people to like us… and we should be eternally grateful for their attention no matter how negative. And maybe it’s time to get the hell over that!!
Moonkwean
December 4th, 2009 at 7:58 am
Friends are the sisters we wished we had. I have had a core of friends for a very long time. We each have other friends who become our extended sister family.
Yes, the ones that drain us, may be our friends for awhile, however, they must go.
Unless you are that friend, then of course that is fine!
gail m forrest
December 9th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
You’ve got to dump the depressing bashing friends. I’ve dumped a few women in my day and am happier for it. Why why why feel bad about yourself via someone else when self bashing is more kind and subtle. Just let the phone calls get farther and farther apart and soon poof! she’s gone. That’s my methodology and quite successful I might add. Purge yourself from these toxic girls/mother reminders, I say!