Marrying George Clooney

these are the three things that annoy the shit outta me today, right now:
automated people. my husband, at this very moment, is on the phone and has said at least 22 times:
“i’d like to speak to a representative.” he has said that phrase in all different tones, in all different voices, extremely slow, very fast, and i believe, even in another language… although i’m not sure, he mighta been saying shit very very very fast a hundred times.
and the automated person says, repeats: i’m sorry i can’t understand you, please tell me what you’d like to do?
and again…
and again…

number two:
wayne dyer. he’s always telling people to look for signs. i want him to be more specific. what kind of signs? are they on the side of trucks? are they in the sky? are they in the snow? are they on food labels?

and third:
any and all eye creams that say on the label that they will in fact reduce & diminish lines (fine & deep) and circles (dark & long) and crows feet (self explanatory). it isn’t true. i have an entire collection of eye creams ranging from uber expensive to cheap cheap cheap. and none of them — NONE – reduce the puffiness. none. and no, it has nothing to do with age. it has to do with alcohol intake, which by the way is a prerequisite in order to deal with the automated people, who i am thoroughly convinced are real live people who have had a variety of voice & singing lessons.