just one girl’s opinion

there are days that i lie in bed and wonder out-loud if there is a surgeon anywhere on this good great planet that can arthroscopically remove the fear, doubt, shame, guilt, uncompromising lack of self-confidence that seems to have found great comfort right smack in the center of my solar-plexis area. all they – the surgeon – would have to do is make a small teeny incision, and pull out all of the crap that seems to lodge itself right there. right in that solar plexis area, where it lives and thrives and loves being fed and nurtured. i can feel it. i can. and it’s not something that creeps up on me. it announces itself big and loud, like a loud loud neighbor who wants attention. you just wanna say, could you please go visit someone else.
it’s not easy getting rid of all these old old old fears and doubts and misguided beliefs, and “lack of…” feelings. it’s hard, it takes work, and energy. and we think if we cover it up, or mask it, or coat it, then we’ve taken care of it. but then… it comes back. we’re not getting to the root.
yesterday i wanted to crawl into a ball, and stay there, and feel sorry for myself, and be sad, and worried… and for the first time in a long time, i didn’t try and get rid of the pain and sadness and worry … i let it go through me like a bad flu.
but i have great hope that someday in the not so far future that one won’t need to search endlessly for themselves, or take oodles of medication, or do ridiculous yoga poses, or go on retreats, or cuddle up next to a loved one, or chant or pray or stand on mountaintops, or take long tedious walks, or get some fresh air, or drink lots of water, or eat good food, or read pema chodron over and over and over, or do reiki or get massages, and mani-pedi’s. you know, all of those things that empower us…that make us feel better, that get the juices flowing, the heart rate pumping, the life blood churning… all those things that invigorate.
i am hopeful that one day i will be able to walk into my GP’s office and say, “Ward, it’s right here, right by the throat, could ya just pull it out.”
and that it’ll be it.
so today i’ll do yoga and chant and eat well and take zoloft and hug my guy, and call some great friends, and take a walk…

and for the record, i am not a huge proponent of fresh air, i think it’s so fucking overrated, but i am a huge fan of clean sheets.

Category: Uncategorized 5 comments »

5 Responses to “just one girl’s opinion”

  1. Divamom-Act II
    February 22nd, 2010 at 12:18 pm

    Thanks for your comment on my blog. It lead me to yours and I love it! You have a lot of posts so I’m going to get caught up right now.
  2. Jane
    February 22nd, 2010 at 12:34 pm

    I could have wrote this, just this past weekend.
    I painted the bathroom and that seemed to do it for me this time – snapped me out of the sad, worried, self loathing ball of crap that I had become for the past few days.
  3. Jesse Mendes
    February 22nd, 2010 at 6:14 pm

    Thanks for putting it out there, Amy — telling it like it is without sugar coating it. I admire you for that. I just posted a blog earlier this week named, A Salacious, Disgruntled Witch of a Woman, and almost right away I got feedback suggesting (in so many words) it was too crude, too forthright or too dark. And this, from one of my supporters.

    It’s hard for us to let ourselves, and women in general, tell it like it is — to let everything that isn’t pretty stand on its own merit, without apology. But to hell with it. Life is short. Thanks for doing what you do, you inspire me.
  4. Margaret (Nanny Goats)
    February 22nd, 2010 at 6:14 pm

    We give EVERYTHING more weight than it deserves, don’t we? Who the hell taught us to do that? It’s making us miserable! Since I attend the Church of Seinfeld, I will quote it in regards to how to handle that “feeling” in the solar plexus. You should treat it like a band-aid “rip it – RIGHT OFF!” Wouldn’t it be great if it were that easy? 🙂 XOXOXO
  5. Debbie
    February 22nd, 2010 at 10:05 pm

    You have so eloquently stated exactly what I feel a lot of the time. It seems to me that no matter how much therapy I’ve had, how many self-help books I’ve read, how involved I get in church or some other activity that takes me outside of myself, that feeling is there … lying in wait … just when I start to feel like I’ve made progress and am becoming more confident, it’s then that it rears its ugly head to say NOT SO FAST …. I’M HUNGRY!! UGH. I used to think that one day when I was old (like I am now) I’d be all over the self-analyzing/criticial lack of self-esteem nonsense. But I now realize that only when I’m dead will it all really be over. I HOPE.

    LOVE YOU!
    XOXOXO
    Deb

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