Marrying George Clooney

i have to say, it’s been an odd, weird, uncomfortable, sad very, very sad hard week. it’s right there in my solar plexus. right there. if i could remove it, if i could go to like mexico, to those doctors who can rip out miles of whatever it is that’s lodged there without an incision, i would. you know what i’m talking about, right? it sits there. right there, and you can feel it in your soul. you can.

this is a teeny story slash blog.
there’s a wonderful buddhist saying, “this is where you get to honor or disgrace your name.”
it’s all about making a choice. i used to read that quote, and scare myself myself to death. it often felt like “okay, i’m either gonna go straight to hell or to heaven.” no midwest, no middle ground – no mid anything. either or. it felt literal to me. disgrace, honor … heaven & hell. another one of those … it’s right there. in you. right there.
but that’s not what this blog is about. heaven or hell. up or down. here or not. we all have our opinions and i have to say, when either becomes a frequent flyer option, then we can have a real honest to goodness discussion about heaven or hell as a destination, a “been there done that” conversation. in the meantime…

this is all about choices.

that quote is about choices.
this week i understood that every single moment is a choice.
i get to say yes or no.
i get to move left or right.
i get to be kind or hideous.
i get to be loving or mean.
i get to be good to a friend, or betray them.
i get to love or dislike intensely.
i get to hold a grudge or forgive.
i get to wish people well, or NOT.
i get to be kind to myself, or beat myself up.
i get to be happy,
or sad.
i chose sad this week.
i chose deep pain and doubt, and tears.
i chose to hold on to pain and doubt and tears from so so so long ago.
i chose that.
and today i went for reiki. and i felt it.
right there. right here.
in my solar plexus. i felt the oh so “long ago, the bad, the unworthy and the unhappy.”
this is the place i get to honor my name.
this is the place i get to make a choice.
it scares me to let go of shit i held onto forever.
but i am choosing to.

i don’t want to go to mexico and say in broken mexican/spanish, “hey could ya please rip out the pain from here (my chin) to my pubic bone.” i’m too afraid if i say that sentence in broken mexican/spanish (and truly, deeply no slight to any person who speaks mexican and or spanish) that i will end up a head on a pair of legs.

so today i made a choice.

full body happy.