Dear George:

okay, i don’t even know where to begin. not a word, not a peep, nothing…NOTHING from you. not a thank you, not a card on my birthday, not a piece of jewelry from italy with a note that says: amy, gracias, gracias. so much gracias.
no no no.
i wrote a book, included you in the title, gave you some extra ummmmmmmpppph during academy award season slash time when it appeared by the way that jeff bridges was stealing your thunder. i was schlepping around copies of my paperback telling women all over the country that johnny depp was not the coolest or sexiest guy in america. that yes jeff bridges was cool and sexy, and oh so fabulous, but oh so not you… that you were you. huh? that sounds odd. i had sleepless fucking nights, i took ambien, i became an addicted menopausal woman for you and NOTHING. NADA. not even a chocolate bar from rome with a note attached saying SO SORRY I MISSED ANOTHER BIRTHDAY, HOLIDAY, LAZY DAY…
so here i am. sitting in my living room in pennsylvania with a pinched nerve in my neck because i BLOG ABOUT YOU ALL DAY & all NIGHT, LIVING WITH HOPE AND A CROOKED NECK, and i am waiting to hear about getting a massage (and yes, it would be nice if could pay for one… even ANONYMOUSLY, although that would really suck) and book clubs are starting, and campaigns are happening (thank you MELODY GEORGE!!!! and KRISTINE AND… ohohoh…my girls, my girlfriends who are old enough and mature enough to be your friends ) … to be on The Ellen Show, and one woman plays are being bandied about (AND NO YOU CAN’T PLAY THE WOMAN) and you keep avoiding me.
Maybe, maybe… i haven’t tried hard enough to get you, keep you. maybe i’m being coy and playing hard to get (although, truth be told, I have to say for 55 years i have never not once played hard to get and maybe that bothers you, that at one point in my life i was cheap & easy & loved quaaludes… well, now i’m sounding rather yummy!)
george. give it up. call me. make me believe that loving you in the middle of the night while my husband slept was worth the humiliation and torment from women who yes think johnny & jeff & ethan coen (yes that ETHAN) & robert downey jr. & sam shepard & woody allen & sean penn & jeff beck & moby & stephen hawkings & gabriel byrne & joe cocker (yes that cocker!) and meryl streep & angelina jolie & YES YES YES YES BRAD FRICKIN’ PITT were all so much sexier and funnier and more appropriate for me & my memoir.
and you know what i said to them george, i said fuck you. he’s mine.
i want him.
i love him, he will be good to me, and love me back, and write me love letters in both english & italian, and my book will become an international best seller and I WILL GIVE WOMEN HOPE IN EVERY LANGUAGE.
but no.
nothing.

and you know what george, i am one good frickin’ woman, so out of the goodness of my heart, i’m giving you one more chance. i’m giving you one more chance to prove to me that all the sweating & mood swings & anal leakage & heart burn & loss of nerve endings & marital woes was worth waiting for you.
don’t me me beg. i have crippling arthritis, i would never get up off my knees.

and i know that might be appealing.

love, amy

Category: Uncategorized 9 comments »

9 Responses to “Dear George:”

Janet
April 21st, 2010 at 3:04 pm
Love it!!!
KLPVR1953
April 21st, 2010 at 3:32 pm
hysterical…i can’t stop laughing…
How can we get this letter to George to
Ellen…He is right across the studio parking lot for gawd sakes.
Thanks for making my day on so many levels.
co
April 22nd, 2010 at 9:30 am
they don’t write they don’t call….
MJ
April 23rd, 2010 at 5:53 am
Ellen was persistent… she called in everyone she could think of to help her get him on her show! Did you send him your book with a note? Come on, Amy, let’s go…. no hold barred! Apparently, blasting his name in all media isn’t enough for him. Therefore, you need to sail the ocean blue and knock on the door to his villa and say, “Here I am, George, on my knees!” LOL You are too damn funny, Amy…. one of the reasons I love you.
Divamom
April 23rd, 2010 at 1:11 pm
Too funny. Stay on your knees-he may call.
kristine
April 24th, 2010 at 11:45 pm
funny thing…the women who bought our first publisher…better not mention names here…sold her long time family villa…wait for it…wait for it…to george, the cloonster! Should I reconnect?
Jane
April 26th, 2010 at 12:28 pm
If you do hear from him, it will probably be because he is suing probably sue you for using his name without permission. Or is that just how MY life seems to be working out?
Jane
April 26th, 2010 at 12:29 pm
my kingdom for an “edit” button to correct the above.
Amy Ferris
April 26th, 2010 at 3:03 pm
funny.
xoxox
amy