Marrying George Clooney

i have spent hundreds & hundreds on face cream. hundreds, fucking hundreds of dollars on this shit that promises me tight and firm and a sexy youthful glow. a promise. i have purchased ReVive, LaMer, and La Prairie and La fucking Shit cream … serums & all sorts of cream and gels and de-puffers that promise promise that within a 30 day period you will not recognize yourself. that when you look in the mirror, you will say, OH MY GOD WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?
Honest to god, I have stood at the ReVive Bergdorf counter feigning poverty & homelessness just to get a sample (and i love samples…) of ReVive mega size sample cream. I have tried — no shit — freezing eye cream, and refrigerating tonic, and icing aloe green ginger eye pads. thousands upon thousands i have spent.
thousands. enough to put any kid through private school.
and then it happened… a miracle.
a frickin’ miracle.
actually a desperate miracle. i was in Duane Reade in new york city picking up some preparation H for ken (shhhhhhhhh) and realizing that I had run out of my OMG extraordinarily expensive face cream, on cue, the perky DR person came over to me and said “Hi, care to try a great new product?” i am such a sucker. Yes, I said, yes, yes yes … give it to me in globs. sit me down and coat my face with cream. and she swore in both english and french that this product was superior to any and all other products. of course, i am such a sucker for any… and all…..and then she applied VICHY MOISTURIZER on my skin and in one moment, in one flash, one simple teeny moment … my skin felt renewed & fabulous – sexy clean. she said it was the best cream she ever used, of course she being 12 years old and having the most gorgeous skin i had seen … but she wasn’t 12, she was a bit – much – older, but she swore on a stack of eyepads that her skin had never looked or felt so good. so… i bought it. Ca-ching. the moisturizer, and the eye cream, and the serum. and i have to say, hands down, 30 days later … no shit… wow. save your money! do not spend 200 plus bucks on face cream ever again, do not, and do not spend 100 bucks on eye gel… no no no. NO! never again.
VICHY.
my skin has never looked so good.
i’m saving you a ton of money, a ton. A fortune. So …  go buy my book! actually you know what, buy 2 or 3 copies and send one or two to some friends that could use a laugh. and tell them … no one will even notice the laugh lines again  … that’s called a two-fer.

you can thank me later.