Marrying George Clooney

you know, i’m the kinda woman who never really got the whole you buy a woman a fish, she’ll eat for one day, but if you teach a woman to fish she’ll never starve. first of all, i don’t fish. so, yes, i would be the one standing at the fish market buying nine thousand pounds of cod, or catfish or tuna, or swai (or swia) or whatever the fuck it’s called, and yes i would be buying everyone fish and then telling them, you know i can do this for you every week…
that’s who i am.
i’m the: “i will not only NOT TEACH YOU HOW TO FISH girl, but the LET ME DRIVE SEVEN HUNDRED MILES AND BUY THE FISH AND BRING YOU THE FISH AND THEN DO IT AGAIN NEXT WEEK.” and no no no, please please do nothing for me in return. NOTHING. i want nothing. i just wanna get up at 4 am, and drive seven hundred miles and bring you all the fish, but please…NO NO… i want nothing.

pants on fucking fire.

(in unison, let’s all shout out: I DESERVE. I WANT. I WANT. YES I DO!!!! WE ALL DESERVE! THE PIE – THE BIG PIE –IS YES, BIG ENOUGH FOR EVERYONE!)

whew. good god, i feel better now. well, a teeny bit. i actually feel hoarse.

full disclosure: i mean, really… no one except for maybe pema chodron & angelina jolie is that selfless. no one. and i have to say i’m a bit unsure of pema’s motives … i mean, really…. what is she doing with all that dough she’s made? i don’t see her adopting a hundred children all while wearing slingbacks? makes you think doesn’t it?

agenda, pema….pema, agenda…

okay, as always, i digress.

yesterday something changed/shifted.

there’s an old saying about hollywood, it was actually, truth be told, a line spoken by ned tanen (swoon time. what a guy he was!) when asked how he would describe relationships in hollywood, he said, and i quote:
“Hollywood is a town that wishes you well when you’re terminally ill.”
a great line.
a true line.
an oh so true line.

my greatest, deepest desire is that ALL WOMEN AWAKEN TO THEIR GREATNESS. THAT ALL WOMEN KNOW IN THEIR SOUL THAT THEY ARE NOT ALONE.

but … and here’s the kicker ..  i’m not always agenda free. and i’m not always ego-less, and truth be told, most of us, except angie, (i am bowing to her) are not either. we do have agenda’s and fears and oh my god … i need to win… i need to win… and i need her to throw her — yes that one — off the line NOW.

it’s simple. and it’s very truthful.

I made a vow a few years back — because I HAD BEEN THROWN OFF A FEW LINES AND BOY OH BOY WAS THAT FUCKING EXCRUCIATING – I HAD BEEN MOWED OVER, PUSHED ASIDE –  that i would make sure that i would use my life, every bit of it, so that all women could feel good about their lives, to feel that they are enough, that no one is better or more worthy then them. the thing is, every one of us ladies has something of tremendous value to bring to the party. and each one of us BRINGS SOMETHING DIFFERENT. it is not a race, a competition. it is all about knowing that we each have something unique to give, to share, to shout about.
now i made a promise to one of my dearest friends on the phone yesterday that I WOULD NOT MENTION her name in this blog. I promised.

but i have to use her as an example of someone who is TEACHING me how to fish. she’s teaching me that maybe all we need to do is throw our fishing poles in, and stand TOGETHER on the bank, and chat, and talk, and share and help, and offer a shoulder… and if one of us can’t get a fish on the line, then hell yes, we catch two, and offer one… and if one of us can’t stand in the water because it’s too cold, then fuck yeah, we stand a little longer and catch two and offer one…. and if for some reason someone KNOWS HOW TO REALLY FISH, we don’t have her catch all the fish… we learn from her, we stand with her, we become better at…

my mother said to me at the end of her life, “I didn’t want anyone to love you, I wanted everyone to love me.”
whoa. I felt it. I felt it go straight in. deep. but… I also knew with every fiber in my being – because i had the wisdom at age 50 – that she was a jealous, manipulative, mistrusting woman. she was. she had been her whole life. if someone loved me, than good god, she had to make sure that not only did they love her and love her more … but she made sure that they no longer loved me.

i would wager there are tons of stories out there like that.

it’s called deep unbelievable caught by the throat fucking fear. the fear of someone getting more, or all, or a piece of the pie, and then there’s no more left.

it’s empty. and it’s scary. and we all want. we do. but we don’t know how to ask for it. and if you look at pema, you see yes, yes yes she has an agenda: it’s called LIVE YOUR TRUTH, and…(heres the best part!!!) KNOW THAT SOMEONE DOESN’T OR WON’T LIKE YOU… and wants you not only off the line, but at the back of the line, and maybe even in another town under a different name.

holy shit.

not being liked. OMFG. i have to say if you’re over 50, or near 50, and lived oh, within a 4000 mile radius of say, Long Island at any point in your life… NOT BEING LIKED was more horrifying & addictive than a lorazepam slash ambien cocktail.

we woman have an obligation to change the paradigm of how we love one another. we get to start a new sort of 50’s revolution. we do. we need to love one another without conditions, without feeling like there’s a race happening out there and by god if we don’t get in line we’re gonna be left out, left behind, discarded, forgotten.

if you fall out of line, then fuck it, start a new line and make sure to bring other with you.
period.

i don’t know how to fish. and truthfully, i don’t have the proper fishing clothing gear… the fabulous rubber boots that go to the thigh, and the vest with all the great sexy little pockets, and all that… although as i write this now, i can say with complete truth, I WANT THAT OUTFIT.

but what i really want is to stand on the banks with all these other women, throwing in our lines, chatting up a storm, sharing all our hopes and dreams and secrets and if one of us…ONE OF US… can’t stand, or gets lost or is hungry — then yes yes yes yes WE WILL hold you up, bring you back to the bank, and we will FEED YOU.

please, let’s leave no woman behind. there are TOO MANY STORIES TO SHARE.