forever…

this is on my mind a lot right now.

forever.

i mean what does that mean? seriously? and the reason i ask this is because i have a husband that i adore, i’m crazy nuts about him… i have been married to him for almost 17 years now, in one week it’ll be 17 years, and it went in a snap, a flash… 17 years, pouffffffff. so very fast.

so i wonder what does forever look like, when someone says, oh my god, it’s been forever… or we’ve been friends forever… you know, that kind of forever.

ever wonder? okay, so here are a few of my forevers:

a) waiting to get into a stall at the ladies room @ any diner. any diner. truly. that feels like frickin’ forever. the crossing of the legs, the not breathing, the hoping, hoping that you don’t pee on the floor … the waiting for who ever it is who is in the bathroom to please please OH GOD ALMIGHTY PLEASE come out now. that always feels like forever.

b) the waiting at the toll booth at the holland tunnel @ 5pm on any given day. the waiting, the merging, the holding the EZ-pass in one hand, while giving the finger (with your other hand) to the guy who just cut ahead of you and another EZ-Pass holder and then decides to merge horizontally – and he doesn’t even have an EZ-Pass. what a prick he is. Oh my god, it feels and looks like forever.

c) the check. wanting the check and the waiter decides it’s the right time to schmooze with the other customers at the other table and you’re trying to get his attention with the little hand ‘check please’ gesture, and then the smile and the little nod, that turns into a big gigantic HELLLLLLLLLLO EXCUSE ME, HELLO. NOW, THE CHECK, and then everyone EVERYONE turns to look at you. yes, that really feels like forever and then of course you have to leave the restaurant in a graceful way. that’s like forever plus a day with a doggie bag.

d)  waiting waiting waiting waiting waiting for any fucking LIVE PERSON to get onto the phone after i have punched in every single digit plus the pound sign so i can speak with someone about IDENTITY THEFT. ANY FUCKING LIVE PERSON. i have watched my hair grow, truly, while waiting for someone, anyone to get on the phone. that moment, that just please, pick up the phone and say, HELLO. CAN I HELP YOU MRS. MAMIE FERISCONA and then i get to say, the name is amy, amy ferris, and while i have waited for you,  you live human being, not only has my identity been stolen, but my hair has grown two frickin’ inches, so no, no, no… guess what, i no longer look like the person whose identity has in fact been stolen. so fuck you, give me back my identity and the last 187 minutes i have waited for you, mr. mickey rourke johansen truman geldorf to speak to me. THAT IS FOREVER PLUS A TRIP TO HELL.

e) AO-HELL. i don’t need to say anything other than that is forever and a bad forever. it’s forever without a meal or water. it’s jail forever.

f) waiting on line at whole foods. i don’t care how many lines they have with different numbers and symbols and free hand cream give-a-ways, i have been on those lines so long, so very long, that i have flirted with a maybe gay man could be straight,  fallen in love, had his child,  sent that child to college and, AND have come home with dinner and dessert FOR KEN.

and my all time favorite forever:

g) the post office. i have stood in line so long, so unbelievably long that the postage literally went from 39 cents to 44 cents.

and then there’s my marriage.

17 years, 17 unbelievable amazing glorious years went like that. in a flash.

and for the record, i want 17 more and i want them to go slower.

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