middle of the night worries

it’s easy for me to worry.
i’ve been able to turn it into an artform.
well, ok, maybe not an artform. but boy oh boy can i worry.
i can worry like no one’s business. i can take a small insignificant thing – truly – and turn it into a hell ride in five seconds flat.
i can turn a stomach flu into stomach cancer and then turn that thought into having only 5 hours left to live, and of course, the “what to do if i have only 5 hours left to live?” well, for starters, i would not get on a plane, i would not spend my last 5 hours at an airport. i would not spend my last 5 hours on facebook, although since i am now addicted, it might serve me to spend at least 2 of those 5 hours trying to de-tox so when i am gasping for my last breath i am not trying to friend someone. i would NOT definitely not spend those 5 hours composting. this of course would be the cause of an argument with ken who for some god forsaken reason LOVES composting. he loves it. and i know it’s a good thing, i do, i know it’s good, it’s green, i know this, and yet, truth be told, it’s just not my thing. why bullshit if you have 5 hours left to live. i would not watch dreck TV, although i did find myself sobbing SOBBING last night while watching the final episode of Brothers & Sisters, and i have to be fully honest here, i didn’t watch the show all season, so…i had no idea whatsoever what was going on, but boy oh boy did i sob. oh my god. poor rob lowe, although i hear he’s heading to parks & recreation, which obviously means you die on one show and pop up on another. and for the record i do not find either show, p&r, or B&S to be dreck tv. i find them funny & smart. although desperate housewives is a piece of god awful shit. why doesn’t someone just blow up wisteria lane and get it over with? again, with 5 hours left you tell the truth.

so yes, i was lying in bed with my stomach flu and imagining i had 5 hours left to live, and i realized as i was lying there, the clock ticking, that i wanted more than anything to cuddle with ken, tell him a gazillion times how much i love him, how much i like him, i wanted to write everyone i love, everyone who is in my life who makes a difference in my life every single day a letter, thanking them for loving me, and for giving me courage & inspiration. i wanted to clean out my closet and drawers because i didn’t wanna go down as a clutter fuck, and i wanted to be at peace.

not the sitting in the lotus position, letting go of everything anything kinda peace – but the kind of peace that comes with making choices, living fully, making a difference…

and of course i lived happily after.

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2 Responses to “middle of the night worries”

  1. Hollye Dexter

    We should love every day as if we have five hours to live!

    Laughed out loud at the thought of you on your death bed trying to “friend” someone on fb. ha ha ha ha ha….

    Bomb diggity girl.

  2. Chris Nichols

    I love this!!! I can’t tell you how many times in the recent past I have had an ache, pain, or “spot” and instatnly thought that it ws the beginning of the end. You made me laugh! thanks for the perspective!

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