Marrying George Clooney

i don’t know why, but it seems when ken is anywhere near a wrench or a hammer or even a screwdriver, something inevitably goes awry.
a screw is lost, a grate is thrown, a piece of metal is hauled across the lawn … frustration, unease, a feeling of impatience and a low grade tolerance for any and all directions.
it’s summer.
that means a new grill. ken & i are not gas grill types. we love charcoal. so a weber grill it is.
i go to home depot, i buy the exact – EXACT – grill ken tells me to buy. i come home with the grill and ken says, “no no not this one… i wanted blah blah.” and i say, “you told me this one.” and we proceed to argue about this for a good hour or so, at which point i say, “you know i don’t really give a shit about this, i don’t give a shit about grilling steaks or hot dogs or sausage.”
but i do.
i give a shit. i just said it because my nerves were frayed.
and so, ken decides to put the grill together. a peace offering of sorts.
welcome to israel & palestine.
the grill is the enemy.
i am the grill’s mistress and or wife. or both.
ken is the CEO of a company known as ”I AM ALWAYS RIGHT AND YOU ARE ALWAYS WRONG. SO FUCK YOU FOR ASKING.”
it’s a company that will go bankrupt very soon.
on my fieldstone patio, my husband sits, reading the directions for the tenth time and still can’t figure out why the wheels are facing the wrong way.
dare i speak up? what the fuck. i tell him he needs to slow down, breathe…
” slow down? breathe? are you fucking kidding me?”
” fine, continue like thai see if i care.”
i leave the patio.
2.5 hours to assemble this “quick and easy, even a 12 year old can assemble this…”
well. yes a twelve year old.

ken puts it together. a drama, but none the less. done.
cut to: tonight.
dinner. 18 people.
ken is grilling all seems smooth nice simple. fun. ken is calm happy.
i am drinking wine, laughing up a storm.
and then the crash.
CRASH.
the table that was being used – along with the entire platter of mixed sausage – crash to the ground. SPLATTTTTTTTER.
an omen.
a sign.
a weberscope.

i am thoroughly convinced that i should become a vegetarian.