Marrying George Clooney

okay, this is so perfect. so amy typical. so un-fucking-believable.
here’s the scoop:
when i was in the second grade i had a huge crush on a cute boy. a very cute boy, a huge massive crush. and i have proof – actual proof – in the form of a hot pink diary (with key, thank you very much) where I wrote in big bold letters: I LOVE RICHARD!!!!!!!!!!! and along with declaring my love, i also drew little red hearts, and little happy yellow flowers, and i was completely convinced, thoroughly convinced, that once richard noticed me, he would realize that i was his one true love. i was also convinced that he and i would get married and have babies and live with my parents until the sixth grade. and i believed that he could see – actually see – my heart beating, pulsating, pounding whenever he walked by me. it was so obvious. at least to me.
a typical second grade love story.
well, turns out … not so typical. turns out he was abducted by aliens in the second grade.
rewind three hours ago.
ellyn, my very best friend from childhood, sends me a post on facebook telling me she located richard, who now goes by the name rich and yes, yes she thinks it’s him. so, of course, i go on facebook, look him up, and low and behold it is him, no doubt about it. curiosity gets the best of me, but instead of friending him, i go on to his website which he had listed on his pre-friending page.
this is not just any website, oh no, no, no, no, this website is like entering a whole new dimension. it is filled with information and symbols and spiritual guidance from the beyond and close encounters of the third, fourth and fifth kind. this is a man who had an experience that completely and utterly transformed him. and … get this, he had this life altering experience in the second grade. the very same year i had a crush on him. the very same year i did everything in my young girl power to get him to notice me. the very same year i had a massive love crush on him turns out he remembers nothing – absolutely nothing – from that year. nothing. nada. zilch. he was at a drive-in movie theater with his friends and family when his life was forever altered. he not only doesn’t recall what movie he saw, he recalls nothing from that night on. that whole year is a complete blur. the year i loved him.
and so, for the past what, 40 odd years, i just assumed it was unrequited. you know, girl loves boy, boy doesn’t love girl, girl makes phoney phone calls to boy, boy hangs up phone on girl. girl rings his doorbell and runs away, boy thinks girl is really, really weird.
but it turns out, i was a human second grader and he was an alien second grader. talk about un-fucking-believable. my first crush, the first boy my heart skipped a beat for, was abducted at some drive-in theater.

now obviously i don’t know if this is true. for all i know he could be just some idiot savant, like that guy, whatshisname, from the movie “a beautiful mind,” or… maybe, he was flunking the second grade and made up some cock and bull story so his parents would think, “who cares if he’s getting F’s, at least we have him back, safe and sound.” or maybe, maybe he was abducted. maybe. maybe an alien walked into his body, and maybe the alien really liked me a lot. maybe. and maybe the alien was just painfully shy. anything is possible.

really, who the fuck knows?

all i know…
you go your entire life thinking someone snubbed you, didn’t like you, believing they didn’t even know you existed and you find out – holy mother of god – he didn’t even know he existed. in other words:

alienated.