car wash god

sometimes i think, “this could only happen to me…”
yesterday i decided to get our very messy/dirty car washed. i don’t know about you folks, but it does get to a point where tossing water bottles in the back seat no longer feels hip & chic. there’s a feeling of homelessness to the back seat. water bottles, shoes, hats, old mail, newspapers, candy wrappers (or at the very least natures way granola nut wrappers). and so while ken & i were velcroed together for the past 3 days, i decided time to cut the tape and get a little fresh air.

car wash & food shopping.
yes, i know…. a bit boring.

so there i am waiting at the car wash while a big blue SUV is getting foamed and polished in the bay before me. I have a good few minutes to occupy my time. I meditate – thinking good thoughts. I breathe in, breathe out, fill my lungs with love, exhale my anger, resentment, jealousy & bitterness. as i breathe, i am reminded that every so often one should call upon the angels to surround them, offer a wing, offer a smile… i close my eyes and i whisper: i’d like an angel today please. I could use a little help.

and i swear within thirty seconds, from out of the steaming, watering, foaming, wet car wash bay, a man appears. tall and lanky, a tee shirt & jeans, out of no where. as the undercarriage of his car is being washed he was walking out of the car bay, and he is not at all wet, or foamy. he appears to be dry as a bone.

hmmm. curious.

could this be the angel i asked for?
could this be the angel of the car wash?
did this man hear my prayer?

i am shocked.
i am shocked that he is not wet. it seems there is water and foam everywhere. everywhere. but not on him.
he walks toward me.

uh oh.
oh my god.
maybe he’s murderer. maybe he killed the person in the car. and now he’s escaping.
maybe it was brutal death and of course, of course … no one can hear you screaming in a car wash with all that fucking noise. the washing and the water and the foaming and the tires getting spinned cleaned. no one can hear you scream. NO ONE.
oh my god.
what if he’s not an angel at all but a creepy awful horrible vicious man who preys upon woman at car washes.
i lock my doors.
i hold onto my cellphone ready to call 911.
he is walking closer. creeping closer. god how i wish i had one plastic bottle to beat him over the head with.
his car – that car – is now going through the rinse cycle and i am sure, absolutely convinced that there is a dead person lying there on the front seat going through the rinse cycle.

hmmm. i think. i am the only witness.
i decide to pull into reverse and make a fast get-a-way. unfortunately it’s not as easy as that and god knows i was never good at three point turns or four point turns, or whatever the fuck they’re called. i’m sitting there and i’m cursing my driving teacher from 1972 for not having the patience to teach me a three point turn. for passing me even though i didn’t know how to get out of a tight spot. i will hunt him down and yell at him if in fact i survive this killer. i’m pretty sure he still lives on long island. he’s probably 106 years old, and completely deaf …

he walks closer toward my car.
my heart is pounding. do i have a xanax? a valium? gas-x?
and then … then …he smiles.

hmmm, i think, he must get off on killing people in car washes. he gets a joy from it.

and then waves at me, like a “hi how are you wave,” and smiles again … and before he can come any closer to my car, he stops, turns around, and takes in every inch of the SUV in the car bay: staring at the final rinse of the car. and then after a moment of inspection, he walks through a side door – hmmmm – which on second glance looks just like an office door, and then i watch as he steps back into the bay, after all is said & done, and he gets into the car and drives out of the bay.

he was neither an angel or a murderer.
he was the owner of the car wash.

so, while he was scoping out the new “wash and foam and dry’ equipment, i of course lost a good five years.
but the upside:
i have a very clean car, and yeah, yeah… i’m still in need of an angel.
maybe i’ll have better luck at the mini mart. i hear there are angels in all the aisles.

Category: Uncategorized 10 comments »

10 Responses to “car wash god”

  1. Madge Woods

    Too funny. I was laughing literally out loud after I read this. Your imagination is fabulous.

  2. Hollye Dexter

    Ahhhhh. I needed that laugh. thank you.

    You are a riot!
    One of many reasons I love you!

  3. PamelaJo

    Loved it. Angel or Demon he could have at least given you a free wash after taking 5 years from you.

  4. Debbie

    Amy my love, it is reassuring to know that I am not the only psychotic woman on earth who can let my imagination run away with me. That was HILAROUS you crazy woman! LOL!

    miss you, love you


    p.s. I gotta call you …

  5. Socket Set ·

    i would love to have may car cleaned by those automated and computer wahsers ,`:

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