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silence is NOT golden
you got a beef with someone, tell them why.
seriously.
don’t leave folks hanging.
i have two friends who are no longer talking to each other. and i can see the pain in my very dear friends face. hear it in her voice. SHE HASN’T A CLUE why this friendship is over. not a clue. and i know she’s concocting all sorts of shit in her head. you know, a whole theatrical production revival called: FUCK YOU IT’S OVER BYE-BYE BIRDIE. now full disclosure, i have been here. i have. and chances are, you have too. all of a sudden, boom, someone who was your friend decides for whatever reason that they no longer wanna talk to you. you call, you beg, you write, you e-mail, you call again, you send little trinkets, gifts, flowers, offer frequent flyer miles … and finally when you’re completely drained of all dignity, you just stop. over, out, done. but the thing is, it lingers.
it comes back, like herpes.
it creeps up.
it nags at you.
it eats away.
keeps you awake.
hmmm. what was it i did? said? wore?
what was the moment?
could it have been…
was it…
did i?
was i drunk?
medicated?
vile?
loud?
too quiet (well, that’s impossible)?
did i wear something offensive?
step on toes?
was i too self absorbed?
forgetful?
unkind?
selfish?
is she/he jealous?
am i prettier/better looking?
smarter?
oh, the list is long.
truly.
and of course, as always, i digress.
silence, folks, is not — contrary to all rumors and quotes – not at all golden. it sucks. when someone doesn’t know why you’re angry, pissed, irritated, mad, unable to forgive, resentful, bitter, filled with rage with added innuendo … when someone doesn’t have a clue why you’ve disappeared emotionally and physically – it creates so much self-doubt and self-loathing.
and yes, it can be excruciating, this rewinding and replaying of an imagined conversation.
say it. write it. pick up the phone. say:
i don’t like you, you did this….
i don’t wanna be your friend anymore, you said this…
i hate the way you treated this situation…
you did this to me and FUCK YOU.
you hurt me, and i need to tell you why.
whatever.
cause i have news for you. one of three things is gonna happen.
you’re never ever, ever gonna be friends again.
or…
you’ll find that speaking up has liberated you, and yes maybe, just maybe a relationship will be worth saving.
or
you’ll say: “listen, this is why i have ignored you, discarded you, took you off my speed dial, ripped a hole in your heart with my tongue…” and then she or he is gonna respond with: “oh, really, fuck you. i am so not a self-absorbed selfish person. and you know what, i don’t ever want you to call me again, and you wanna know why cause i don’t wanna be friends with you.”
and then you go on facebook and friend seven new people and feel oh so much better.
Category: Uncategorized 9 comments »
August 11th, 2010 at 12:03 pm
All well said as usual. I love your commentaries on life and it’s twists and turns.
August 11th, 2010 at 5:32 pm
Love this post. Thank you. This happened to me, and it was so painful. She said, I don’t want to be your friend anymore, and don’t bother writing me back or trying to contact me. It was debilitating. I lied awake at night trying to understand, to figure it out, and I finally had to accept that she broke up with me and I would never understand it. So hard. If we could have talked about it, I think we could have talked it through. I could have taken responsibility for what I had done, whatever that was.
You’re very smart, Amy.
xo
August 11th, 2010 at 6:43 pm
Thank you for this Amy. You know, I think I needed this. I wrote someone off about five years ago, because he was sneaky and dishonest…and he just won’t go away. He even sent me a fruit basket. A FRUIT BASKET!
And I just ran into him at Greg’s funeral which was unbelievably awkward.
I didn’t want to tell him why I’d stopped returning his calls, but…maybe I should, just out of compassion. I could never decide which was the more compassionate choice.
I think you just helped me decide.
thank you for that.
You rock.
August 11th, 2010 at 11:32 pm
Great advice Amy. This has happened to many of us who have lived a full life. I have done this recently with a relative. It was validating, liberating, and a life defining moment. I believe that healthy communicating, even if one sided, is essential to be healthy…emphasis on HEALTHY and COMMUNICATION. Thanks for beginning this thread. Hugs…GiGi
August 12th, 2010 at 2:18 am
Brava, Ms. Ferris. Spread the word: Silence is NOT Golden. I live my life shooting from the hip but with love–usually:)
August 12th, 2010 at 2:34 am
Oh…it hurts. Mine was a best friends since 7th grade. She took a religious path that I didn’t mind, I just couldn’t embrace it for myself. She had connections with God and he told her things about me…things I should do or not do. I always wondered why he didn’t just speak directly to me…
About the time I turned 50, she dropped me like a hot potato. I assume it was because I lacked faith, or my husband was ill and not asking the almighty for healing. It always seemed odd to me that a person of such strong faith, could walk away from a long term friendship without ever looking back or explaining why. It still haunts me…
Thanks Amy for shining a light in the dark.
August 12th, 2010 at 9:40 pm
Ouch. This one hit close, close to home. I am in the middle of an excruciating break up with a (once) friend and now business- partner who I can not work with. Who doesn’t listen. Who clearly dislikes me and doesn’t respect me, but doesn’t realize it. And I had to drop her. But I refused to get into the gory details with her because she was so vicious and aggressive and frankly scared me. I felt better avoiding her completely. But the truth is, we have a business relationship that continues to grow and I am feeling the great GREAT need to make some kind of peace with her.
I hear you. I believe you. But I struggle…
August 14th, 2010 at 11:55 am
Amy, I read this blog, you know I’m a big fan and a friend, and in the spirit with which you have written this I wonder if many of your friends are wondering to which friends you are referring (I certainly am). And wouldn’t it be more pro active to help bring them together again, rather than blog about them? Yes we’ve all felt this way, you know when I do I … and nothing feels better than that friend who helps you clear the air rather than leaves you guessing at what’s really going on…
August 17th, 2010 at 9:04 am
It continues to amaze me how you write about things that describes EXACTLY something that happened/is happening in my life. Things that I think no one else has experienced – then I read it here and just THAT makes me feel better. Not so ‘alone.’ I had a best friend since high school that ‘broke up with me’ a few years back. And honestly, in analyzing the friendship, she definitely was NOT my ‘best’ friend…but still. And while it hurts not to know, I think it would hurt more to hear her say “I was using you to get to Billy and Dave” or “I looked prettier hanging next to you” or “You had a car.” or any of the things that probably ARE the truth. I’m not sure I would welcome the phone call or note or email. hmmmmmm….