Marrying George Clooney

okay so here i am at physical therapy. i think i’m on day 38. maybe 39. i lose count. the heat, the stims, the traction. i woke up two months ago pretty sure i was either having a stroke or a brain bleed. neither was happening. it was arthritis & the frickin’ heat wave. the combo made it feel like i was stuck in a vat of jello. i got a prescription from my doctor and i started what is now known at PT.

long story short.
it seems that every time i go, there is something, some event or some story or some person that makes me go A…HA. if you read my blog, you know that a few weeks back i was on the table next to a woman who worked as a cashier and loved her job and her life, and wanted for nothing and was happier and more content than anyone who has everything. i came home and i thought, whoa, to be THAT happy, that content… to want for nothing. i’m gonna try that. i even got ken to sign on to that campaign. the giving away our “unwanted” possessions and eating out once a week. downsize our clutter, upgrade our emotional life experience.

that lasted about oh around 30 hours, then i went back to my normal cravings, and told ken that yes we needed to take a vacation and eating out was back on the schedule.

yesterday, i overheard a conversation. not hard for me. one could even call me an eavesdropper. the woman on the table next to me was talking to the therapist (our shared therapist) about how her husband had just had a massive stroke. he was 52, wasn’t feeling well for about a month and then the tingling, and the chest pains and the shortness of breath and how the doctor said that fifteen minutes later, he would have died. he was in the hospital and he was expected to have a full recovery.

i of course am wondering if what i am feeling in my hand is “tingling” or carpal tunnel. i then think hmmm, was that a chest pain, or merely a muscle pull, strain? and of course, me being me, i had to ask her, while i was hooked up to the heated vibrating stimulators, if she could describe his pain to me. she did and i was relieved. i had none of his symptoms, although i was wondering if maybe ken had some of those symptoms. our therapist asked me to please concentrate on healing myself. she actually gestured for me to ‘put on blinders.’

and while i tried to put on my imaginary blinders, i did not put on a muzzle. and so the woman and i continued our conversation, she on her table, hooked up to stims and ice, me on my table hooked up to stims and heat. we ended up talking about god. she said that her husband believed that god had saved him. god had saved her husband, the hand of god, she said, and that they were churchgoers and that he knew it was not his time yet. he had much to do with his life. that he had been saved. under normal circumstances, minus the stims & heat, i would have possibly pushed the issue — not in a dramatic nasty or confrontational way – but i would have asked her about god. i told her that i was a buddhist and she said, “that’s nice.” and all i could think was i so dislike the word nice. it’s sort of bland and boring. i much prefer cool or groovy, or swell. wow that’s cool sounds so much better than that’s nice.

and then our therapist came over to me, turned down the stim, and with a lovely smile, gestured for me to zip up my mouth. she knew where this was going…. and so, imaginary blinders and duck tape. like i said i’ve been in PT for 38 or 39 days, i tend to engage others.

and then there was silence. and i thought about god and buddhism and faith and belief and hearts and souls and the world we live in now where it seems there is so much hate and anger and fear and doubt and so much loss. so much loss. oh my god so much loss. the fear is palpable.

and then the women turned to me and said:
“we’re newlyweds. i couldn’t bare losing him. i am so lucky.”
and so, i removed my make believe duck tape, and said, “oh, thank god.”
and she said, “oh, thank you.”

and there in that moment, it all came together:
her belief in god.
my belief that we are all the buddha.

it’s in the details.