c is for courage

this weekend i’m going to be moderating a panel at the pages & places book festival – from frontlines to headlines, the feminist panel. and of course, me being me, i’m anxious & worried & all sorts of bad strange fearful thoughts are running through my head.

the holy shit WHAT IF thoughts.

what if i forget names, what if i can’t pronounce names, what if i’m not quick or smart enough, what if i fuck up royally, what if i make a joke and it’s not funny, what if i’m too serious and look funny, what if no one shows up, what if too many people show up, what if i can’t hear the questions, what if i can’t ask any questions… what if i have to pee? what if i have stroke? what if… what if…

oh good god the list is long.

the fear is palpable, the heart is racing. what to say? what to do? do i say anything? do i just let these 4 amazing women slash icons talk until the time is up? and then of course the mother of all worries…. am i a feminist, a true blue feminist? or am i a borderline bi-polar feminist? and then i think, well, yes, yes, yes of course i’m a feminist. of course. and a true indigo blue one. not the palin red grizzly one.

oh doubt & fear & worry – bad neighbors, each and every one of them. bad loud shitty nasty neighbors.

and then i speak to another friend who is also moderating a panel that weekend, and she has done this for a long, long time – this moderating panel stuff, and she tells me that she is anxious & nauseous & on edge…

and then i think about all the amazing talented folks who have stage fright, and social fears and they go out there … get on the stage, perform, sing, recite, speak … and they don’t pee in their pants or projectile vomit.

then i think, realize: sure, yeah, fear gives you courage.

BINGO.

fear gives you courage.

if i want courage, i gotta look at the fear.

i’m looking.

i’m really, really looking.

i want a boatload of courage.

Category: Uncategorized 5 comments »

5 Responses to “c is for courage”

kristine
September 29th, 2010 at 12:17 pm
John Wayne said….”courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway”.
Without fail, I think I am going to die. The sits start to fill, the energy in the room hums and I am convinced that I am going to pass out…Then this funny thing happens…I make myself engage with one person. Look them in the eye, ask them questions about themselves, laugh, care, breathe. When the mic is switched on, I look right at that person and smile and tell them I am so glad they are there…breathe. Each person in the room feels exactly as you do…scared to death to be vulnerable, to be conspicuous, to be heard. You are encouraging them to step over their own fear to do the work they are called to do. You are brilliant at communicating and making each person you touch feel like GOLD.
Breathe.
Hollye Dexter
September 29th, 2010 at 1:16 pm
Yeah, what Kristine said.

and remember, it’s all in the perspective. Women all over the world see YOU as courageous and brave, speaking up for all of us.

Just be you, Amy Ferris, and all will be well.
Linda tears
September 29th, 2010 at 6:42 pm
I’m calling you! End of story!
Madge Woods
September 29th, 2010 at 8:50 pm
I have faith you will be fabulous. Wear depends just in case:)
Debbie
September 30th, 2010 at 3:51 pm
WHAT IF YOU’RE FABULOUS? Which you are … take it from me … FAB-U-LOUS.

I wish I could be there!

XOXO
Deb