Marrying George Clooney

okay, so here’s the deal.

this week (for me) is all about shame. forgiveness. myself. others. fear. letting go. jumping/flying. butterflies. manifesting joy & miracles. TRUST. TRUSTING. the universe, myself. others. BIG. a big week.

my therapist/healer/intuit shaman (oh… whoa, another SHA word… to re-place SHA-ME) told me that i needed to close my eyes and jump. she told me to write about it. let it out. don’t think. write. write . write. share. speak up. write. without stopping. you know, whatever the fuck comes into my head, get it out on the page. somewhere. in a journal. in an essay … that was 2 days ago.

okay. (and by the way, i’m pretty sure, although she would have to confirm this, she didn’t mean in the body of an email.)

yesterday i’m listening to MARK ROMERO on a webinar. fabulous guy. smart. amazing. sharing his insight. experience. he is talking about  the power of letting it flow out of you, just LET IT FLOW. GO. DON’T WORRY, don’t think too much, or too hard …. just you know, write, sing, chant, pray…  whatever, BUT trust – be fearless – throw it out there, to the universe. the good. the not so good. the bad. the ugly stuff. let it out. let it go. give it up. trust. believe. say it out-loud.

you know a free fall of sorts. jump & scream & land.

well, i never really free fall like that as a writer.  i mean yeah, i write, i let it out. put it down. but… i correct, edit, read, re-read and NEVER ever in the body of an email. uh uh. i don’t hit SEND when i haven’t really truly looked over an email. okay, maybe i don’t always spell check. but i do read, and correct, and make sure i’m at the very least somewhat coherent.

but, so…

hollye dexter & i wrote a political piece together. she of the brilliant passionate clear headed rachel maddow kind o’ mind, me of the more emotional personal semi haye house kind o’ mind. so, a collaboration. and a great one. truly. hollye re-read and I re-read, and we both edited a bit, and cleaned it up… and truthfully, honestly, it was so amazingly seamless – the effort & collaboration. fucking joy.

and i say, “hey hollye, i’ll send it out to a few women, places, websites … about posting. i’ll get emails and send.”

she says, “great.”

and so, here, (there) i am at like 1 in the morning, deciding i should FREE FALL/FLOW/LET IT OUT – free fall, go with the flow …  and i am just typing/writing in the body of the email whatever the fuck comes into my mind, and typing and writing all sorts of shit that i’m thinking about and, and, and…

BELLA, my gorgeous black & white girl/kittie, jumps up on my belly slash MacBook, wanting attention and love and to be petted and her paws tread my keyboard and the FREE FLOWING ANYTHING GOES AMY email gets sent out to the universe.

i can’t even begin to tell you what SHAME i felt.

holy shit.

(obviously, it’s a theme this week, just like going to the prom.)

oh my god.

immediately i try to retrieve the just sent email, but, hello, you can’t retrieve the one’s that aren’t AOL if you are in fact an AOL subscriber. you just can’t. and since i BCC-ed some folks, it was a mess… i was a mess.

a shameful mess.

thank god for ambien CR.

thankfully most of the emails don’t exist anymore, or probably never even existed. and boy oh boy did i get a ton of MAILER DAEMON e-mails in my inbox. (and why oh why is it  just not called MAILER DEMON? huh?)

anyway.

along with all the mailer daemon emails is an email/message from hollye, who asks me QUITE BLUNTLY and wonderfully (and i am paraphrasing) if i wrote this email because well it doesn’t seem or sound like me at all. is everything okay?

and well… as you can imagine:

coming face to face with the stuff that makes me feel so very ashamed and cringe and, yes, yes, oh yes… want to hide.

i think that’s called … letting it go.

or, another word maybe that comes to mind in a free fall sort of way: perfection.