love in the time of cholesterol part 2

I never for the life of me thought I’d become a woman who talks about her life in terms of dosage. As in, “Oh, no, no, I’m not that depressed, I’m on the pediatric dose,” or “Well, I start with 5mg and then work myself up to oh, you know… maybe 7.5mg, but that’s only when I’m terribly overwhelmed,” or “Hmmm, really? You’re on 20 mg of Lipitor, I’m only on 10. I wonder if that’s why I still feel, you know, clogged?”

My husband made a comment the other day which drove me completely nuts, drove me to 0.25 mg of Xanax. He said, and I quote, “Hey babe, your night table reminds me of my mother’s night table, with all those pill bottles.”

Oh my god. Holy shit. My night table – MINE – reminds him – HIM – of his mother’s – HIS MOTHER’S – night table.

That was it. That was all I needed to hear.

“First of all,” I said in a very calm yet irritated voice, “Mr. Hey Babe, first of all… first of all… those pill bottles that remind you of your mother, one is filled with Black Cohosh, and Kava Kava for my never ending hot flashes. And this one, this one… is filled with Vitamin C, and D, and E, and ALL the other letters of the alphabet because of that horrible vile cold and sore throat that you gave to me thank you very much. And this one, this one, right here, this one, this pill bottle is so old, it could be your mother’s. It has a refill date going back to … what does that say? Oh yeah, yeah 2002. And this pill bottle is filled with kosher salt for that neti-pot that I use when I have a sinus headache in the middle of the night. And this pill bottle – THIS PILL BOTTLE, Mr. Know-it-all, is filled with medicinal marijuana that I will try ONLY when they pass the marijuana law.”

“Medicinal marijuana?”

“Okay. Fine. You win. Valium. From the valiumitis plant.”

And with that, he took my face in his hands, looked me in the eye, and said, “I’m so crazy about you.”

I asked him how crazy, and he said, without missing a beat, “Oh, about a million milligram worth…”

That’s a whole lot of crazy.

And with that, they lived happily…

(And the Princess decided for various reasons, none of which had to do with her (deceased) mother-in-law, that combining all herbs and pills into one pill bottle was both aesthetically pleasing and much, much better for the health of the planet.)

Category: Uncategorized 10 comments »

10 Responses to “love in the time of cholesterol part 2”

  1. Linda tears

    Oh Amy baby- I so needed that. You never miss a beat – and neither does Ken.

    Your happily after or not blogs actually make me a better mate. Yeah! Sometimes I think “what would Amy do?”

    I love you so much!

  2. Madge Woods

    I have all my pills in a little basket in my kitchen except for my right after sex pill and my sleeping pill. Some days I look at that little basket and think throw them all away Madge and die a few years earlier but then I think okay a stroke and no death would not be a good thing so I just take them all.

    I totally get this but I don’t have a Ken to make it all seem great, crazy, funny and someone to write about.

  3. Jesse Loren

    I want to know what the after sex pill is. Also, my husband gave me his tacklebox. It’s brown, small, and doesn’t fit everything, but in case of a flood, I know what to take. I also have my 2 week double daily pill organizer. So many years ago all I wanted was a pill to make me older and the panties of the week, now I have the panties of the weak and Monday through Sunday on a plastic grandma pill popper! Jesse needs scotch!

  4. Debbie

    Paxil (prevents homocide), Ambien (prevents exhaustion), Hydrocodone (allows me to do all the shit i gotta do all day long with no thanks) so there. And MY husband thinks I’m a serious drug addict. Mr. Cyclist who rides 50 miles a day, gets his endorphine high, and then comes home, lies on the couch and doesn’t move. AT ALL. If I could put a bed in the living room, HE’D LIE IN IT … FOREVER.


  5. Madge Woods

    To prevent bladder infections immediately after sex I take a small dose antibiotic. If I don’t within a few hours or by the morning I have an infection. That is my after sex pill. 🙂

  6. Jody

    I take NO pills (no kidding!), but I still love your voice and writing. Glad to discover you…! I’m going to send your link to a friend, who DOES take pills…..

  7. Jody

    I just made a special mention about your blog on MY blog….!

  8. Barbara@TheMiddleAges

    I MISSED you!! Thanks for the million milligrams of healing laughs.
    Happy New Year!! xoxo

  9. Gregory Anne Cox

    Million milligrams of laughter indeed! You are such a feel good goddess, I mean you make me feel good with your humor and light touch on things that scare the crap out of me like all of the pill popping that’s going on and that’s not a judgment btw, just a fact.
    And another btw, Black Cohosh is a fat storage herb, check it out sistah. Not that I know whether that’s something you are concerned with having only fallen in love with your virtual bad self I have no idea what your actual temple expresses as.
    Regardless, I honor the many pills you pop if they make you feel good and keep you here on the page.

  10. Hollye Dexter

    i love you a million milligrams, too!

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