skimming the spam

okay, i don’t always go into my spam folder. occasionally. when someone says geez i sent you an email, maybe it’s in your spam folder… i go in and skim the spam.

today i went into that folder, the one with all sorts of offers. the curled index finger of come hither.
this is what i found:

i found a senior village looking, searching for same sex seniors, they wanted photos and personal information and of course all would be confidential. SPAM.
i found a vaginal cream that supposedly lasts for almost a week, the promo was all about “juicy.” for whatever reason i imagined myself dripping everywhere i went, drip drip drip, and decided that if i want juicy, well, then… SPAM.
i found senior’s day at KOHL’S. hmmm. 20% off on top of 45% off on top of…. but then i saw how kohl’s was spelled: KOLLS. no thank you SPAM.
i found foreign banks wanting to give me money (with my account information being given to them) and colleges wanting to give me a PHD-LMNOP from home, and a few job offers that required i spend a month or two in lockdown, iPads for free, lessons in farming & nursing with fake pigs, and more drugs for cheap than i could ever hope for.
i found a psychic connection, a woman who claimed she could find my long lost friends, and talk to my deceased animals.
i found what i thought was a golfing retreat – GIMME WOOD – which turned out to be a porn site.
i found give-a-ways and take-a-ways and hide-a-ways.

and as i deleted all the spam from the folder, i had a flashback a memory a moment: i remember years ago being in waldbaums with my mother, walking the aisles, and i picked up a can and my mother immediately gave me a look that was filled with humiliation, and shame, and she took the can out of my hands and back went the can on the shelf, and with her index finger and a teeny wave… my mother said:

“No spam. Jews eat tuna.”

it’s all so … deep.

Category: Uncategorized 7 comments »

7 Responses to “skimming the spam”

  1. Jane

    My son tried Spam for the first time when we were in Maui back in February. GREAT hang over food as it turns out. “Salt and grease, what’s not to like?!

  2. Caroline

    This made me giggle out loud. Thank you!
    good old Waldbaums supermarket… I haven’t heard that name in ages 🙂

  3. Hannah Kozak

    Oh my G-d, Amy ! You gave me my first laugh of the day! Thank you. Witty! Jews eat tuna….with very little mayonnaise!!

  4. kristine

    taking a brief break from the packing boxes…so glad I did. I am off to lunch on a can of tuna right now…you should do stand up.

  5. Barbara@TheMiddleAges

    Lol!!! (I never ate Spam either. Nor do I read it. Apparently I could’ve been a millionaire a few times over if I’d only given those generous spammers all my credit information. Hmmm, maybe next time…)

  6. Madge Woods

    My friend just made SPAM sushi which everyone loved until she told what it was. I wasn’t buying it when I looked at it. She told me what it was. I passed on it. Yuck I say.

  7. Brauna Walsh

    Amy, I’m not kidding. I think your mother was channeling my mother.
    Thanks for the laugh, I needed it today! Love you.

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