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avatar ken vs the bird

for close to a week we have this little bird pecking … pecking pecking pecking fucking pecking … at our windows first thing in the morning. first thing in the morning. pecking pecking pecking.
banging.
banging.
pounding pounding pounding.
flying into a window. and then again. and again.
this little bird.
teeny.
SMASHING.
smashing itself into three of our round windows.
head first.
SMASHING.
SMASHING.

clearly obviously this bird has issues. maybe it’s lonely. maybe it’s a mother bird thing. maybe it was abandoned. maybe it was fucked over by other birds. maybe it’s on a suicidal mission and was promised 72 virgin birds…

crazy fucking bird.

bang. bang. bang. bang, bang.
smash.

and then there is silence.
and then BANG BANG BANG BANG.

this has been going on for almost an entire week.
every morning at about 6 am.
ken is not sleeping.
between his knees and wrists… a combo of pain & agitation and now this bird.
this is what i’ve heard for almost an entire week.

FUCK YOU YOU ASSHOLE MOTHER FUCKER STUPID BIRD FUCK YOU.

and then silence.

and then i hear ken tapping the window with a broom handle.
then the bird pounding chirping banging.
then ken pounding banging chirping.
then the bird.
then ken.
then the bird.
then ken.

this morning i woke up TO POUNDING: as in HAMMER & NAIL POUNDING. oh my god, i thought, ken is killing the bird. smashing the bird. ken is now kathy bates in misery. i get up out of bed and run to the window, and there outside on a ladder is my husband HAMMERING netting onto the windows. the three windows that the bird smashes into, “THIS’LL DO IT,” ken says, “THIS’LL FUCKING DO IT.”

we have 52 window panes (including french doors).

yeah.
right.
this’ll fucking do it.

with that, the bird finds a new window.
ken tells me he needs to find a PLAN C. I ask him what PLAN B was because I missed that one. I thought the netting on the window was PLAN A. he tells me i don’t pay enough attention to him. i tell him it’s not about me, it’s about the bird. we get into a fight. now it’s my fucking fault that the bird flies into the window.

fuck you.
up yours.
you wish.
blow me.

yeah, this is going well.

i tell him he has to choose between me & the bird.

it has become crystal clear that both ken & the bird need therapy.

(and yes, i would love to be a fly on that wall.)

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Category: Uncategorized 14 comments »

14 Responses to “ken vs the bird”

  1. avatar
    hollye Dexter

    ha ha ha ha ha!!!

    Love it!

    Now all you need is the owl to chase away the bird, and Ken will have to go back to fighting with right-wingers. ( That’s it! That bird is a “right-winger”!!!)

  2. avatar
    Barbara@TheMiddleAges

    lol!! So funny! Maybe the bird is lovelorn and looking to its reflection as a mate. Who among us hasn’t done that??? Um…never mind….

  3. avatar
    Cheryl Moseley

    LOLOLOL, but not LOLing in the AM one bit. Ken has his damn bird. We have ours. But instead of banging into the windows, the woodpeckers are putting holes in our house. Like you dear Amy, I rather be fucking in the morning, but not with the damn woodpeckers! So there, I said it. I’ll be thinking of you in the morning.

  4. avatar
    Madge Woods

    Poor Ken, he really wants to kill the bird but won’t because of you I imagine. Tell him I will come and get rid of it for him. Don’t ask how.

  5. avatar
    Carol

    THis is too funny, there has been a little dead bird on the edge of my driveway for at least 2 months now. This is what I see from my kitchen window day & night, this sad little skeleton…nether myself or my neighbor will touch it. I will take a photo and post it for you & Ken.

  6. avatar
    Hannah Kozak

    Ha ha ha! I laughed at “Yeah right. This’ll fucking do it” and “I ask him what plan B was because I missed that.” I think the bird is reliving the trauma of her mother abandoning her by hurting herself over and over. Oh right, this isn’t about me? It’s about the bird! You made me laugh once again Amy! Witty, clever and funny!

  7. avatar
    Debra DeAngelo

    This was hysterical…. LOVE LOVE LOVE this! πŸ˜€

  8. avatar
    David Lacy

    I’m with Debra. Also, I want to reiterate to you and Hollye what I told Tracy: I’d love for you to also become more regular columnists as well (not foregoing this blog of course — I would love if you did both!)

  9. avatar
    Debbie

    OKAY?! GET OUT THE DEPENDS, GIRL YOU ARE HYSTERICAL LOL! LAUGHING OUT LOUD AT WORK and everyone is looking at me.

    … and then I tore of his little wings

    XOXO
    Deb

  10. avatar
    Jane

    LMFAO! Hysterical!

  11. avatar
    Debra DeAngelo

    One more comment… Amy, you are the MASTER of effectively using white space in a column. LOVE that!!!! I continually admire your craftsmanship with words. Writing has a right-brain appeal too. You use white space and punctuation and cadence so beautifully.
    I think I’m jealous! πŸ˜‰

  12. avatar
    Donald

    It is not often in your life that you will encounter such dilligence and effort installed in a creature of God. It is obvious that the bird is longing to be near you (for whatever unknown reason). Embrace him if it is not too late, for when he is gone, you will miss him in ways that you have not considered. You should go to him-bird love (I have heard) can be quite passionate. Look at the bird in this light and I know that you will want him-Go to the bird Amy. LOL
    Donald

  13. avatar
    BigLittleWolf

    Love it, love it, love it. (Clearly, the bird is a mother, and a wife. Think someone will be feathering her nest come Sunday?)

  14. avatar
    Katja

    I agree with Debra about the white spots & cadence. I’m a new fan … πŸ™‚

    Katja


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