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avatar OMGPS

i imagine, when i’m all alone & somewhat bored, i think: “hmmmm. what if i were the GPS girl?  What if it were me giving directions?”
what if it were me directing iKen through hills & valleys, and stop signs & bumpy roads and red light/green light one two three exchanges.
could i possibly pull it off without a single hitch?
without nagging?
without backseat driving?
would I sound like the GPS girl?
or would i sound bitter & angry & irritated?

this make-believe scenario is just too fucking yummy for me to pass up.

i believe this is exactly what our little adventure would sound like if i were the GPS girl: perky with a side of edge:

Good afternoon, your arrival time is 4:47 pm.
Buckle up.
Proceed forward.

Drive 2.1 miles to Childs Park.
Continue until you reach the fork.

At the fork turn left.
Continue for 3 miles.
Stay on the left.

THE LEFT.

L.E.F.T.

Left.

Please, stay on your left.

Do not drive in the middle of the road. That’s for people who think they’re cool, and can get away with all sorts of shit.

Stay in your lane.
Please, for god sake, stay in your lane.

At Silverlake go 300 feet until you reach Route 739.

Uh oh.

Red light.
Do not jump the red light.
People who jump the red light have unresolved issues with their mothers.

DO NOT FUCKING JUMP the red light.

Brakes.

Jesus.

Green light, you may now proceed.

Stay in your lane.
The right lane.
Please.
Not the center lane.
YOUR LANE.
YOUR FUCKING LANE.
Please, for god sake, get out of the center lane.
Now.

Stay in the right lane.

Jesus Christ. Okay, now go approximately one hundred feet and then at the intersection slow down.
Slow down.
Slow.
Down.
Slow the fuck down.
Ah, Geez…
Re-calibrating

Re-calibrating.

Make a RIGHT TURN ON RAYMONDSKILL Road.
Stop.
STOP SIGN.
STOP.
At the bottom of the hill, make a U-turn.

Go to the corner, make a sharp left, proceed a few hundred yards, make a quick right.
Please, stay in your lane.

Do not take out the joint.
Do not light up the joint.
Drive slower.
Stay in your lane.
There will be no smoking marijuana in the vehicle.
For that kind of partying you should have rented a Porsche and/or SmartCar.
Please, open a window.

Open the window.

Proceed a few more miles, stay on your right. Your right, Your right, Not my right, Your right.
STAY ON YOUR FUCKING RIGHT.

re-calibrating.

make a left on Wheatley Road, watch out for the flower beds. Stay on the left side. Up ahead, 285 Wheattey Road.

stop at the red blinking light.

please, drive slower.
please, drive slower.

ooops.
fast turn.
can you please, for god sake, stay in your lane.

re-calibrating.

go 200 yards, turn in the dirt driveway.
back up slowly.
uh oh, car coming.
slow down.
car passing.
reverse.

go straight into milford.
stay on milford road for approximately 7 minutes.
go slower.
slower.
drive slower.

slower.

no passing.

in two minutes you will come to a fork in the road. on the right you will have shops and restaurants and galleries, on the left side you will have the state liquor store.

you may drop me there.

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Category: Uncategorized 7 comments »

7 Responses to “OMGPS”

  1. avatar
    Sivan

    Do you listen to radiolab? This particular episode has always stuck with me, and if I recall correctly, they interview the actual GPS girl as part of it. Enjoy!

    http://www.radiolab.org/2011/jan/25/

  2. avatar
    Kathleen

    As always brilliant especially when you know the hills and joints this GPS gal took to get to that liquor store~

  3. avatar
    Barbara@TheMiddleAges

    So funny!!! I can just hear you … er, the GPS girl 🙂

  4. avatar
    Hollye Dexter

    Brilliant! So funny- I love it!

    I really think you should do your own version of GPS. It would be a big hit.

  5. avatar
    Judy N

    I loved this! Now I just long to be the GPS girl in my husband’s car except that he’d die before taking directions from a GPS or from anyone!

  6. avatar
    Madgew

    Love this and you.

  7. avatar
    Mitch Sommers

    I’ve always thought that whole “redirecting” thing was a little bit passive-agressive. Your version’s more honest.


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