I am at a loss.
We are without power. Which means we are also without Internet service and phones. Which means I am completely disconnected. Which means I feel just like I did when I was twelve years old wishing someone would please, oh God, please… ask me to play with them.

Okay. That’s a bit of an exaggeration, but not by much.

There is a big difference between choosing to go offline, and being forced to go offline. Choosing means vacation. It means vacation, and travel, and Pina-coladas, and hot steamy sex and a do not disturb sign hanging on the door for a few days. Choosing is powerful. You feel like you’re taking charge of your life, where as being forced to go offline feels very much like you have absolutely no control what so ever. No matter how many times you walk around the house with your laptop held up to the fucking skylights & the heavens – you are not gonna hit a hot spot. And that’s called… WiFiCryingOutLoud.

Power. Less.
Or more, depending.

Sitting in the dark, at the mercy of Hurricane Irene, is truly deeply all about relinquishing power, and control. Letting go, as they say. You can’t control nature, just as you can’t control another human being. You can’t stand outside and scream, “Hey, Nature, fuck off, go bother someone else today.” Although, you can do that with a husband or partner, or wife – I have tried that at home – it lasts for oh… about three seconds.

Let me share with you a few things that have come to light, so to speak, these past forty-eight (and counting) hours.

First and foremost – make sure you have candles that are unscented. Every single frickin’ candle in our home is scented. Cranberry, Tangy Mandarin, and Black-Cherry Mint. A few assorted Christmas scents like pine, and Gardenia. The entire house smells like a really cheap badly-stocked Christmas store. Or a bad awful fart. So not only don’t we have power, electricity – the house stinks to high heaven. I will never again drink cranberry juice without wanting to puke.

Do not get flashlights that make your face look long and droopy. You know, like Stan Laurel. You want flashlights that give your face some fullness and color. Otherwise you’ll be miserable. Trust me, nothing worse than feeling like shit and not being able to find your make-up kit.

Wine tastes fine lukewarm.

Do not try any new sexual positions without knowing where your head will land first. Concussions and/or comas are not sexy.

When the power company representative tells you that they will restore your power within a 72 to 96 HOUR time frame, ask them HOW MANY DAYS they’re talking about. When I asked the rep what she meant by “a possible 72 to 96 hour power interruption,’ she said, “Oh, you know, 96 hours, that’s like, what, six days.” Huh, I thought … what the fuck? So not only don’t you get power, or service, or even a spoken prompt … you get real life stupid. And if you’re really on a roll… throw some weight around, tell them that Hurricane Irene was named after your mother – you’ll hear a slight gasp on the other end – and then you’re gonna hear these words: “Wow, cool.”
Uh huh.
Way cool.
Fuck you cool.

And last but certainly not least:

….just like high heels.

Category: Uncategorized 5 comments »


  1. Madgew

    Amy, I am glad you have not lost your sense of humor. How are you still writing? In the dark on some imagined satellite that is giving you wifi. At least you have Ken and that can’t be all bad. Baths in candle light, drinking red wine. Throwing out food is a treat too. See what you can cook up and fast. I have gas so cooking would still work. Hopefully, you do too. Love you girlfriend.

  2. melody george

    LOL…and THIS is why I love you so!

  3. Judy N

    I loved this. My husband’s mother was named Irene. She died a few days before the storm, but she used to call herself “Bad Irene” and would have enjoyed the idea of having a namesake. Not that she would have liked the destruction, mind you, but still . . .

  4. Tracey Yokas

    Amy- You don’t know me but I’ve been reading your blog for a while now..courtesy of Amy Friedman..Just a note to say, “You’re brilliant.” Thank you for being such an inspiration – for fun and creativity and truth.

  5. Vickie Stahl

    They do say that lighting is everything in film and television. Once again you start my morning with a laugh, a nod in agreement and the urge to throw all of my damn candles out.

    Full of power in California and wishing everyone well in the aftermath of the storm.

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