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this one’s titled: don’t piss off amy
okay, the phone rings, this is not an unusual occurrence in my home, except of course, when we have brown-outs and black-outs or full blown power outages which do occur often. more often then not. living in the country, the woods, has both major advantages, and major disadvantages, depending solely on my mood.
today is don’t fuck with amy day. my back hurts. it’s raining. i have tons of work to do and many virtual crops and animals to purchase on FarmVille.
Back to the phone. I answer it.
Hello, she says, is Ken home?
Yeah, who’s calling?
Well, she says, I can’t tell you.
Well, I say, then you can’t talk to him.
Well, she says, I’m calling from an organization that he belongs to.
Well, I say, is it an organized religion or a cult?
Well, she says, no… no… oh, god no, it’s a woman’s organization, and I’m not allowed to say which one.
Oh, I say, that organization, the one that doesn’t allow a woman to tell another woman which organization she’s calling from. oh, i say, that’s very cool, a secret women’s organization. huh. ken’s not here.
oh, she says…
oh, i say… would you like to leave a message with his wife?
no, i can’t, she says, i’m not allowed.
asshole i say under my breath, with a hint of nasal so it sounds like askhole.
bigger, much bigger asshole she undoubtedly thinks, no doubt, she’s not allowed to say asshole, even though she thinks that, she’d get fired from her telemarketing political job and god knows no one wants to lose their job now, in this day and age, because god forbid you lose your job, you end up living in a car, if in fact you own a car.
ken overhears – eavesdrops on – this conversation, and grabs the phone from me, and i stand with hands on hips, and i say out-loud so all the neighbors can hear:
i want a fucking apology from whoever that woman is who isn’t allowed to tell me, your wife, me, who the fuck she is and what organization she’s calling from and belongs to.
ken pulled an apology out of her. karen from emily’s list apologizes to you, he says to me.
Emily’s list?
i am shocked.
dis-fucking-mayed.
honest to god that would have been the last organization I would have thought would ever pull that kind of crap.
Snooki’s list maybe, definitely, but Emily’s list?
fine, fine, fine, I accept.
accepted.
and we’re now all going on a cruise together.
true story.
well, okay, not the cruise part.
Category: Uncategorized 9 comments »
November 29th, 2011 at 2:08 pm
I will never mess with you ever. But it is really nice to hear that you’re not happy all the time!
November 29th, 2011 at 2:23 pm
LOL!!! Oh Amy-I love you so! Laughter is so good for the soul! I nearly fell off my chair about FarmVille. 🙂
November 29th, 2011 at 2:25 pm
LOL!!! So funny. Really really funny.
x
November 29th, 2011 at 3:49 pm
Oh Amy- you are one in a million. I’ll bet you gave that woman a story to tell all day long.
November 29th, 2011 at 5:22 pm
That’s why there is caller idea. I don’t answer when they are calling for me. I hate Telefund, they call every fucking day and leave no message today I answered and screamed to take me off their fucking lists. All 10 million of them. He had long hung up.
November 30th, 2011 at 12:22 pm
baby I am with you! when you pick up the phone and there is that eery 3 second pause, and you know the telemarketer is scanning their brightly lit board for some knuckle head who will pick up and say “hello”. Then they mispronounce your name, with a tone of voice that feigns a lifelong friendship. I turn into a maniac. I am ashamed of my tone of voice, but i find that it is the one place where the days accumulation of WTF, just can’t be contained.
If ole “EMILY” only knew who she was dealing with…the champion of all women…
December 4th, 2011 at 7:19 pm
Why aren’t they allowed? I’ve been trying to figure that out because we get the same calls around here. Are they thinking that they’ll start a domestic dispute? Is it some strange law we haven’t heard of???
December 5th, 2011 at 3:43 am
Amy,
You are one nutty woman. I am married to another nutty woman. Today I came into the house and she had her head in the freezer. “Hot flash”, I asked? She replaied, “Hellatious!”
I think that nutty women are the “BEST!”
Donald
December 5th, 2011 at 3:46 am
Oh, I forgot to tell you that I thought the title of this col was, “Don’t mess with a one tited woman.”