taco (bells) amy

sometimes i feel like it’s only me. i know, i know, holy narcissism. i know it’s not ALL ABOUT ME, but sometimes it just sorta feels that way.

let me take you on my 3 AM middle-of-the-night-fiasco-excursion journey.
it all started with a pain shooting straight down from the top of my neck, down to the pelvis, and then back up again. i thought, hmmm… “could be MS” or “could be, maybe, possibly fibromyalgia,” or could be another disease i don’t know how to pronounce. and of course, of course… could be nothing. but that’s not me, that’s not where i go. i go straight to bad.

it was sharp, it was weird, and it gave me that ever so thrilling opportunity to google: NECK PAIN SHOOTING DOWN NECK TO PELVIC AREA AND BACK UP TO ARM. for the first time i realize that even google can get a bit baffled, confused, so i limit the words: “nerve pain neck shoulder arm” and after scrolling a bit more, i come to a website and they recommend an anti-inflammatory analgesic cream that is in my drawer. the tube is in my drawer. i am ecstatic. i have the remedy. wow. and with that excitement, i get up out of bed, and squeeze open the tube, and i rub a “quarter size” dollop (which they recommend on the website), and i rub it all over my neck and shoulder area in an “even coat.” and then i wash my hands thoroughly (they recommend that!) and from the time it took to wash my hands, dry my hands, get back into bed … my skin was sizzling like a cheap piece of steak on a george foreman grill. i was literally burning to a fucking crisp. i grab the analgesic cream and there, right there on the label it reads in BOLD: “if you experience a penetrating burning sensation for longer than a minute, please, read the box it came in.” OMFGWTF????? i have news for you, that box, along with a gazillion other boxes, is probably in a landfill somewhere turning into chicken parts. the heat, the burning – coming off my neck and shoulder – is unbearable. i decide the best thing to do is jump into the shower – fully clothed. I take a freezing COLD shower – shivering, shaking, lips turning blue – nada. nothing. i rip off my wet pajamas and throw on a tee shirt and sweat pants and proceed to machete and bludgeon our “one and only” aloe plant – squeezing the last bits of aloe juice out of it. i rub that it onto my blistered skin and when that doesn’t work – when that doesn’t produce an aloe vera miracle, i do what i swore i wouldn’t do, i wake ken (yet) one more time from a deep, happy, joyful, content sleep.
my ken, my sweet ken, wearing his eye-mask and ear plugs, blocking out any and all light, and all noise.
ken, who is in a deep joyous sleep.
i wake him.
i shake him.
he flips up his mask, looks at me and says, “hey, what’s up? i was sleepin’.”
“yeah, well, i’m a burn victim and i need you to hose me down.”
hose you down?
well, isn’t that what they say at the fire house, hose me down?
i wouldn’t know amy. I was in the film business, we only get burned psychologically and creatively.
ken, please, please… get up, i need you to hose me down. i am on fire.
now i just wanna say, i believe there was a slight twinkle in his eyes when i said i was on fire… ken is filled with great hope.
short of pushing him, i make him get out of bed, he thinks fast on his feet, heads for the kitchen, and comes back with what looks like a dickey soaked in milk.
wear it, he says, wear it around your neck.
wear it, i ask?
yeah, it’ll get the burn out, the sting out.
how long do i wear it?
until it curdles.
until it curdles.
and with that, he hands me a bag of frozen shrimp, and says, ‘you’re gonna need an ice pack.’
shrimp? i ask. where’s our ice pack? the nice blue one, the one I got a rite aid? I like that ice pack.
i don’t know where it is. i’m going back to bed.
and that was it.


at a little past 4:00 in the morning, i am wearing a milk dickey around my neck – the milk dripping from the paper towel onto… yes, the bag of quick thawing frozen shrimp (the 26 to 40 jumbo shrimp pack) which is right there on my shoulder and chest where the aloe is getting all gooey, and sticky, and sticks to everything. everything.

the milk is curdling.
the shrimp is thawing.
the aloe is sticking.

i have become a bad, bad mexican meal.
and you know, a bad mexican meals never, ever gets the guy, never. ever. especially in the morning, like say, around 8:30 AM.

“oh my god, amy, what’s that smell, it’s coming from you?”

“i’m a taco, ken.”

Category: Uncategorized 5 comments »

5 Responses to “taco (bells) amy”

  1. Madgew

    This is hilarious. Did you ever figure out what the pain was from? Hope you are better.

  2. Georgie

    I am hysterical with laughter….although it just doesn’t seem right to laugh when a friend was in so much pain!!! But dammit lady…..then don’t be so funny and I won’t have to laugh!!!!!! God…I assume all is well now…hope so!!! Sending healing love ♥

  3. mamawolfe

    OMG that brought quite a few interesting images to mind…it’s impressive that Ken would at least get out of bed long enough to throw you a dickie and shrimp. I’ve had this same thing happen to me and thought I was going to find a crater burned into my back when it stopped. Hope you’re recovering well…

  4. Judy N

    This was so funny. Loved the last line. And hope you’re better.

  5. Debbie

    Hope you’re all better taco lady.

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