Marrying George Clooney

okay, so this was a first.

ken & i have been married 20 years, almost 20 years, and to be totally honest, new years eve was never a big sort of let’s close the door on this fucking year… kind of night. always lovely, but not a ritual.

but this year – 2012 – this year felt like it needed more than champagne. it needed honor, ritual. it needed to be treated as NEW and HOPEFUL.

i tell ken that we’re gonna do a whole spiritual cleansing ritual, a whole ‘we’re gonna write down everything we wanna get rid of, let go of … and we’re gonna pray, and chant and close our eyes and make wishes, and toss it all into the fireplace, and we’re gonna end 2011 in a big wonderful puff of smoke.’ i tell him we’re gonna expiate the crap, and we’re gonna watch it go up and out in flames, and we’re gonna cleanse ourselves of all the old…and bring in the new.”

big and shiny and new, just like the ‘love boat,’ i tell him.

for those of you who know ken, know this is not something he would want to do. it’s not his thing to smudge, or cleanse or walk around the house with incense calling upon all the buddhist gods and deities and angels and any and all dead relatives who could possibly, hopefully watch over us, bless us, keep us safe and happy. first of all, to get him to even own up to the fact that there is anything he wants to get rid of – with the exception of hemorrhoids – is very, very difficult. ken is content, happy, joyous, easy to please and feels fine about all and every personal flaw (no matter how irritating). i, on the other hand, drag my shit, along with my emotions, through the mud and then recycle it. over and over and over and over again. but i was determined, armed… ready to smudge, i was ready to write down everything i no longer wanted, needed, or could fit into. it was time to toss, release, expiate. time to de-clutter my emotional life.

and these are the words i write down, each thoughtfully & carefully handwritten on little teeny individual pieces of paper:

jealousy
anger
self-loathing
impatience
judgmental
critical
worrying
weight gain

what i wanted to rid from my life – everything from anger to weight gain – and was ready to let go of. toss. start anew.

i told ken i wanted to read each word out loud, share them with him; and then he could write down his words, and share them with me, and then together we could stand in front of the fireplace; ignite and toss the whole batch of teeny pieces of paper, and then kiss and make-out. he said, and i’m quoting, “i don’t like this game, can we play something else?” i told him that was the very first thing he needed to rid himself of, “to stop being so childish.” he didn’t agree, he didn’t want to get rid of that. after much deliberation he chose one thing, a habit. doing the laundry. i told him maybe he should give up marijuana if he was looking for a habit to toss.
he became petulant, he said he couldn’t come up with anything he wanted to toss, throw in the fire, get rid of.
i told him i would come up with some words, habits for him.
i came up with: complaining, self-indulgence, child-like behavior, farting in public, and throwing pity-parties once a week.
he said, and i’m quoting, “i’m not giving up farting in public, that’s impossible.”
i told him it was too late, it was already written in proverbial stone.

we stood in front of our fireplace – i made ken close his eyes and make a wish – and then we watched all the little teeny pieces of papers burn and disappear and turn into ash… all the words and phrases and habits go up in smoke.

i immediately, IMMEDIATELY, felt lighter, better, shiny & new, and cleansed. i felt so full of hope and joy and excitement.
i was ready for 2012.
i put on my little black sheath, a little mascara, some lipgloss, and was ready to bring in the new year.

I WAS READY TO PARTY.

ken sat down on the couch, and out of the corner of my eye i could see him scribbling on a piece of paper. he got up, walked over to me, and said: “this is what I never want to get rid of, never want to be without, not for one moment.”
and on that piece of paper was one word:

YOU

(like that’s gonna cancel out the farting in public…)

ps: a little january 2nd post-coital add: ken tells me he’s been thinking about the whole cleansing process, starting each day fresh, new… and the stuff that he doesn’t like about himself, stuff that holds him back, that keeps him small… he tells me today that he doesn’t like that he’s so righteous, and that he wants to toss ‘that word’ in the fireplace.

another word goes POUFFFF.
ken feels big & bold & sexy.
and he looks sexy (er).
we make-out.

i like this ritual.