i am necessary

it’s not just loud words, or bad words, or a slap or a poke.
it’s the nasty.
the withholding.
the taunting.
the unforgiving.
it’s the silence, and the withdrawal.
the pushing and prodding and pulling.
it comes in all shapes and sizes, and scares and intimidates and puts the fear of god, or goddess or whoever in you.

a mother.
a father.
a sibling.
a co-worker.
a school friend.
a lover.
a partner.
a girl or boy friend.
a teacher.
a coach.
a priest.
a rabbi.
a leader.
a child who doesn’t know better.

and it’s not just a person ‘out there…’
it’s our own darkness, self-doubt, self-loathing.
our own dislike for ourselves.
our own slander.

we beat ourselves up, and brutalize our own endeavors, and kill our dreams.

yes, yes… it’s true… we do, we bully ourselves.

it makes us cower, hide, runaway.
it keeps us silent. alone. to ourselves. withdrawn. afraid.
it’s unbearable.

being bullied.

nasty words, cruel words. ugly penetrating dirty dark words.
you’re ugly. you’re a faggot. you’re skinny and ugly and i hate you. you’re a nothing. a nothing queer. you’re a nothing queer, and you’re untalented and ugly. you’re fat and ugly and i hate you.

i’m smarter.
i know better.
shhhhhhh. say a word, i’ll hurt you. kill you.

you are nothing.

you. are. queer.
you. are. black. nigger black.
you. are. jewish. ugly jew.
you. are. muslim. fuck you.
you. are. soiled. dirty soiled.


it’s meant to keep us small. hidden. far away. tucked away. away from the world.
it’s meant to keep us away because the bully person – the person who taunts, and gets in your face and makes you feel like shit or worse – that person wants us – you – to feel bad, so, so, so, so god awful bad that they can feel big and powerful and strong because that way they can cover up what they really feel about themselves. the truth of who they are.

they hide the truth.
from themselves, from their friends, their family, their own life.

a bully can not look in a mirror.

they don’t wanna see the truth:

that they’re gay.
that they’re dyslexic.
that they’re scared.
that they’re different.
that they’re YOU.

it’s been pounded into them how awful, god awful it is to be different. to be unique. to be an individual.

Prove to them how extraordinary you are.
how magical you are.

breathe in
breathe out.




Category: Uncategorized 6 comments »

6 Responses to “i am necessary”

  1. kristine

    my friend…you know don’t you? you know the darkness that robs each one of us of possibilities. and yet, you shine LIGHT; big, bold, sparkly, warm, nurturing light that offers encouragement and a second look at what feels impossible.
    you help us understand what it is to patiently wait for HOPE….hope that comes in the shape of a friend, a kind word, a validation, a promise, a new tack…Any small shard of hope, is still hope…a seed, if you will. And that brings the hint of possibility. You makes POSSIBILITY an option.

  2. Debra DeAngelo

    This piece gave me CHILLS. Amy, you paint pictures with words. You turn a keyboard into a canvas.

    GORGEOUS piece… and brilliantly composed.

  3. Sunny

    Yes — “You turn a keyboard into a canvas.” Beautiful, beautiful piece!

  4. Judy N

    This lyrical, encantetory column goes to the heart of bullying, making me wonder how bullies can also be brought to change.

  5. Judy N

    That should be encantatory, though spell check doesn’t like that one either.

  6. Maya

    You really get it. You do. The bullying started when I was 4. I had no one in my corner, least of all my family. My first yearning toward death as a solution to my polluting the world with my presence, I was 6 years old. The most recent episode was 2 weeks ago. That makes over 52 years of being bullied. The difference now? Now I am most incontrovertibly loved. I have lovies by my side, in my corner, who have my back, which pretty much covers me entirely. It is still a dreadful thing and I cannot evade or escape it, but with the strength of love, I find pity for my tormenters…

    Thank you, angel. XXXOOO

Leave a Reply


Back to top