what if the end of the world is tomorrow?
i mean, really, what if?
that seems to be the spin every so often lately.
well, I gotta be straight up vodka honest, sometimes i am racked with so much fear & dread & worry, it’s a miracle I can get out of bed at all. a miracle. a fucking miracle. and truthfully, honestly, cross my heart & hope tomorrow isn’t the end, when i do get out of bed, when i finally push myself up, and out from under the covers, and go out into the world, i worry.
and yes, on occasion, i take pharmaceuticals for worry & anxiety and no, no… i cannot pronounce the generic name.
i am a worrier, which is much different then a warrior.
although, i really truly am a warrior, a warrior goddess.
i worry, about all the crazy god-awful shit going on in the world right now. all of it. and let me tell you, if there weren’t enough shit and sadness and crazy-making stuff to worry about, be scared about, to make my hair stand on end, i would just make up a bunch of stuff to worry about: imagined diseases (mine, ken), hairballs (lotus, bella), and then of course, the “what if” i can’t return this hideous ill-fitting schmata-dress (that i bought at a sale that i lied about being at in the first place) without the credit card slip? what if i have to live with it in my closet?
i live in a small town. we have a john the baptist guy who keeps his truck parked on the main street.
his truck is parked, and on the roof, a massive, huge index-finger pointing heaven-bound. he’s a believer.
i’ve tried to talk to him. i did. once. and i wondered when his eyes glazed over, if in fact he was envisioning the end of the world, or envisioning me naked. i’ll never know.
but i wonder: what would i do if in fact tomorrow was the last day.
would i call all those folks that i think of on occasion, and never, ever pick up the phone to say: hi, hey, how are you, thinking of you, hope you’re okay, and i miss talking to you? answer: unfortunately, that list is long. would i clean my house, and vacuum all the balls of cat hair that seem to gather in the corners? answer: maybe. maybe not. the cats should clean up after themselves. a lazy bunch of pussy’s.
would i kiss ken a million times and tell him how much i love & appreciate & treasure him & how grateful i am that he asked me to marry him? answer: of course. he needs to know & hear that. and as a side, i would offer up sexual favors. would i write my estranged brother a letter saying how god-awful sad it is that we haven’t spoken in so very long? answer: no, i wouldn’t, but i’m awfully glad i just wrote/said that out-loud. would i stop regretting some of the silly, stupid, icky, messy, fucked-up mistakes i made (and yes, some i made, and yes, some i slept with) because i wanted someone to love me, like me, pay attention to me when i was young & foolish? answer: yes i would stop regretting them – every one of them – because those mistakes got me here. right here. i love my mistakes, they made me more beautiful.
would i love myself more and better? answer: i hope so.
would i nurture my life more? answer: oh, yes, you bet.
would i hold those i love dearly closer, tighter, within my heart and love them better & more, and those who have hurt me, betrayed me less so? answer: you bet i would.
would i be strong enough to say ‘no’ more often, ‘yes’ with more commitment, and take down the fence i straddle that sometimes feels so comfortable even though it has caused a few urinary tract infections? answer: yes, yes and maybe.
would i return calls faster than emails? answer: coin toss. but the good news – i’m joining facebook anonymous tonight. hello, my name is amy f. and i am a fucking addict.
would i be braver & bolder & more courageous; standing up for what and who i believe in regardless if anyone stands up with me? answer: yes. yes. yes. period.
would i do anything different. answer: well, sure, a few things, particularly when it comes to personal hygiene.
i don’t believe the world is gonna end tomorrow. i don’t. i have a hair appointment, i’m making ken a grand valentine dinner, and we’re seeing friends this week.
i’m not planning for the end of the world.
but what i do hope happens, what i am planning for in all honesty, is that we stop, and think, and in the words of my favorite non-human: re-calibrate.
i hope we love better.
i hope we take better care of our own lives.
i hope we pay more attention to those we love & cherish, hold dear and near.
i hope we stop settling for mediocrity because it’s an easy out, and start raising the bar instead of hanging out in one.
i hope we have the courage to pursue our dreams, and leave behind the folks who don’t believe in us or support us.
i hope we can stand up for those less fortunate, those who need an advocate.
i hope we stand up for our friends, and offer them the gift of community.
i hope that we fight for what we believe in without folding, or buckling under, or compromising too much.
i hope at the end of the day, when all is said and done, that we have no regrets.
because, truthfully. regret sucks. it keeps us small & fearful & less intimate. it keeps us at arms length. regret makes you believe, and keeps you believing, that your life isn’t good enough, or worth enough. we are fucking priceless. repeat: we are fucking priceless.
so, please, when you’re in prayer mode – when you’re praying – whether it’s in a church, or a temple, or a sikh, or holy ground, or the privacy of your home (whether that be in a bathroom, in a closet, or at an altar), when you ask for strength, forgiveness, comfort, hope, humility, goodness, kindness, a warm home, a big heart, a new job, a better friend, a generous lover, a life long partner, a cuddly pet, good love, a friend or family members health … and/or world peace – please remember it starts with you.
in you. and then please, oh please, go on, put all that love, all those prayers out into the world.
let’s keep that spinning.