covering my ass & all my bases

what if the end of the world is tomorrow?

i mean, really, what if?
that seems to be the spin every so often lately.

well, I gotta be straight up vodka honest, sometimes i am racked with so much fear & dread & worry, it’s a miracle I can get out of bed at all. a miracle. a fucking miracle. and truthfully, honestly, cross my heart & hope tomorrow isn’t the end, when i do get out of bed, when i finally push myself up, and out from under the covers, and go out into the world, i worry.
and yes, on occasion, i take pharmaceuticals for worry & anxiety and no, no… i cannot pronounce the generic name.

i am a worrier, which is much different then a warrior.

although, i really truly am a warrior, a warrior goddess.

i worry, about all the crazy god-awful shit going on in the world right now. all of it. and let me tell you, if there weren’t enough shit and sadness and crazy-making stuff to worry about, be scared about, to make my hair stand on end, i would just make up a bunch of stuff to worry about: imagined diseases (mine, ken), hairballs (lotus, bella), and then of course, the “what if” i can’t return this hideous ill-fitting schmata-dress (that i bought at a sale that i lied about being at in the first place) without the credit card slip? what if i have to live with it in my closet?

i live in a small town. we have a john the baptist guy who keeps his truck parked on the main street.
his truck is parked, and on the roof, a massive, huge index-finger pointing heaven-bound. he’s a believer.
i’ve tried to talk to him. i did. once. and i wondered when his eyes glazed over, if in fact he was envisioning the end of the world, or envisioning me naked. i’ll never know.

but i wonder: what would i do if in fact tomorrow was the last day.

would i call all those folks that i think of on occasion, and never, ever pick up the phone to say: hi, hey, how are you, thinking of you, hope you’re okay, and i miss talking to you? answer: unfortunately, that list is long. would i clean my house, and vacuum all the balls of cat hair that seem to gather in the corners? answer: maybe. maybe not. the cats should clean up after themselves. a lazy bunch of pussy’s.
would i kiss ken a million times and tell him how much i love & appreciate & treasure him & how grateful i am that he asked me to marry him? answer: of course. he needs to know & hear that. and as a side, i would offer up sexual favors. would i write my estranged brother a letter saying how god-awful sad it is that we haven’t spoken in so very long? answer: no, i wouldn’t, but i’m awfully glad i just wrote/said that out-loud. would i stop regretting some of the silly, stupid, icky, messy, fucked-up mistakes i made (and yes, some i made, and yes, some i slept with) because i wanted someone to love me, like me, pay attention to me when i was young & foolish? answer: yes i would stop regretting them – every one of them – because those mistakes got me here. right here. i love my mistakes, they made me more beautiful.
would i love myself more and better? answer: i hope so.
would i nurture my life more? answer: oh, yes, you bet.
would i hold those i love dearly closer, tighter, within my heart and love them better & more, and those who have hurt me, betrayed me less so? answer: you bet i would.
would i be strong enough to say ‘no’ more often, ‘yes’ with more commitment, and take down the fence i straddle that sometimes feels so comfortable even though it has caused a few urinary tract infections? answer: yes, yes and maybe.
would i return calls faster than emails? answer: coin toss. but the good news – i’m joining facebook anonymous tonight. hello, my name is amy f. and i am a fucking addict.
would i be braver & bolder & more courageous; standing up for what and who i believe in regardless if anyone stands up with me? answer: yes. yes. yes. period.
would i do anything different. answer: well, sure, a few things, particularly when it comes to personal hygiene.

i don’t believe the world is gonna end tomorrow. i don’t. i have a hair appointment, i’m making ken a grand valentine dinner, and we’re seeing friends this week.

i’m not planning for the end of the world.

but what i do hope happens, what i am planning for in all honesty, is that we stop, and think, and in the words of my favorite non-human: re-calibrate.

i hope we love better.
i hope we take better care of our own lives.
i hope we pay more attention to those we love & cherish, hold dear and near.
i hope we stop settling for mediocrity because it’s an easy out, and start raising the bar instead of hanging out in one.
i hope we have the courage to pursue our dreams, and leave behind the folks who don’t believe in us or support us.
i hope we can stand up for those less fortunate, those who need an advocate.
i hope we stand up for our friends, and offer them the gift of community.
i hope that we fight for what we believe in without folding, or buckling under, or compromising too much.

i hope at the end of the day, when all is said and done, that we have no regrets.
because, truthfully. regret sucks. it keeps us small & fearful & less intimate. it keeps us at arms length. regret makes you believe, and keeps you believing, that your life isn’t good enough, or worth enough. we are fucking priceless. repeat: we are fucking priceless.

so, please, when you’re in prayer mode – when you’re praying – whether it’s in a church, or a temple, or a sikh, or holy ground, or the privacy of your home (whether that be in a bathroom, in a closet, or at an altar), when you ask for strength, forgiveness, comfort, hope, humility, goodness, kindness, a warm home, a big heart, a new job, a better friend, a generous lover, a life long partner, a cuddly pet, good love, a friend or family members health … and/or world peace – please remember it starts with you.
in you. and then please, oh please, go on, put all that love, all those prayers out into the world.

let’s keep that spinning.

Category: Uncategorized 8 comments »

8 Responses to “covering my ass & all my bases”

  1. Kathleen

    “i hope we have the courage to pursue our dreams, and leave behind the folks who don’t believe in us or support us….
    i hope that we fight for what we believe in without folding, or buckling under, or compromising too much.”
    Oh so important.
    Oh so hard to do after years of not being believed in but seeing that as the only way belief works.
    Oh so wonderful when we find it in ourselves.
    Still working on it.

  2. Wendy

    Maybe it’s not the end of the world, maybe the end of the Mayan calendar signals a shift of consciousness that we’ve needed for a long time. In Buddhism, (as you well know Amy), the end is really the beginning. I like the world you live in – keep cranking out those blog posts. 🙂

  3. Debra DeAngelo

    So witty and bittersweet and funny and sooo… Amy.
    I love you.

  4. Maya North

    Oh, how I love you. And oh, how you will love my Sunday column because you and I, dearheart, are on the same page here.


  5. Debbie

    Beautiful, beautiful post Amy. Honest to God I feel just like you … it’s almost weird … and as always, right when your beautiful words are touching my soul you go and say … “and i wondered when his eyes glazed over, if in fact he was envisioning the end of the world, or me naked” and I’m rolling on the floor laughing!


  6. arno

    hey I gotta hairdo tomorrow too!!

  7. Jo Hatcher

    I love how you write. You say everything in a way that makes me think. You inspire me.

  8. Hollye Dexter

    Well thank God it wasn’t the end of the world and now we have the rest of our lives to do all those things.


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