Marrying George Clooney

This is about shoes.

One of my all-time very favorite topics, as well as shopping pleasures.
That’s called a twofer.
I love shoes.
I’ve loved shoes my whole life.
And truthfully, for the first six years of my life, I thought my father’s name was Buster Brown. Can you imagine how devastated I was when I found out his name was Sam?

My very favorite part of going back to school was back-to-school shoes. Actually, in truth, it was my only favorite part of going back to school. While I wasn’t too fond of having to break in my new shoes, it seemed like an awfully small price to pay to own a new pair of ox-blood round-toed Weejun loafers. Even now, when I close my eyes and inhale, I can still smell that leather.

But this is not about back-to-school shoes, or new Weejuns, so let’s get right to the point.

It’s about shoe dating.

I have often wondered if shoes could pick out a partner …

For example, do you really think a pair of black Florsheim lace-ups, say men’s size 11, would ever have the courage, the all-out ballsy courage to ask out a pair of women’s size 9 backless Manolo Blahnik’s on a date? Hello, Earth to Florsheim, come in, Florsheim – that would go under the category of ‘fantasy.’ However, I’m pretty sure that coupling a men’s size 10 Merrill’s with a women’s size 9 Bass or any style of Nike would last about two, two and a half years.

Tevas, on the other hand, either in leather or fabric, would look good with a pair of J.P.Tods patent driving shoes (in any women’s size), or a pair of flat “Audrey” Ferragamos. That pairing could last a lifetime and even produce a couple of children.

But Marc Jacobs would never, not in this lifetime, be caught dead on the same side of the street with any pair of CROCS, regardless of whether one or both feet were planted firmly on the pedal of a Harley Sportster 883. That goes under the category of “assisted suicide.” And a pair of 3.5 inch black patent pointy Christian Louboutin’s can catch the eye of a pair of Prada suede chukka boots in about three seconds flat.

Sometimes it’s just about plain unadulterated passion – the kind of pairing that often happens in loft type elevators, and/or smoky jazz clubs. No first names or phone numbers are exchanged, but God’s name is invoked more often in a short period of time than in an entire lifetime of church going. The heels on those shoes are frequently replaced and repaired due to excessive European travel. They are also envied and talked about behind their sling backs.

Ever wondered if a pair of Kenneth Cole married a pair of Cole Haan’s what that hyphenate would look like? It would look like Kenneth Cole-Haan. And that would go under the category of “power couple.”

And if Timberland boots dated Rockport shoes, my guess they would vacation in Maine, probably in Kennebunkport, and somewhere down the road, say in about eight years, there would be a sexual scandal. That would go under the category of “Presidential hopeful.”

And let’s not forget Thom McCann, because chances are everyone else will.

Let me tell you about a pairing I saw last night. A pair of sexy sequined kitten-heeled thongs looking very much like YSL, standing right next to a pair of sexy, worn frye boots.

Sexy and strong willed, standing toe to toe.

And that would go under the category of “equal footing.”