Marrying George Clooney

(Excerpt from Marrying George Clooney, Confessions From A Midlife Crisis, Seal Press. Check out the vimeo at the end!)

The clock reads 2:34 AM.

I am determined to fall back asleep. Determined. I am determined to fall back asleep without any help from any sleep enhancement drugs — just plain old will and strength.
THE CLOCK NOW READS 3:47 AM.
Fuck it.
I turn on the light.
Dim, very dim, as to not disturb my husband, who is sound asleep and snoring.
I would like for you to envision what I now see as I roll on my side to grab a magazine, a magazine that is on his side of the bed because he wanted to see the photos of Brad and Angelina.
An eye mask, earplugs, a lip-drool thing that looks a bit like Bell’s palsy, and my favorite part of this whole nighttime sleep ritual: what my husband likes to refer to as a PENIS RAG — a piece of toilet paper wrapped around his penis.
This is what he does after he pees in the middle of the night.
He pees. He wraps. He comes back to bed, all while wearing the eye mask.
There is a trail of toilet paper from the bathroom to the bedroom.
I kid you not.
While having breakfast, I hand my husband a paper towel. He reminds me, in a semilecture sort of way, that I need to be more “green,” more conscientious, more eco-friendly, more aware of the environment —I should start using “linen” napkins, because paper napkins, paper towels, paper anything is a waste.
I am wasteful, and I need to be more eco-aware.
I tell him that he’s absolutely 100 percent right. Yes, I am wasteful; yes, I need to be more eco-friendly. I can tell by the way he tilts his head and sips his coffee that he feels thunderously victorious. I give him his moment in the sun. I let him bask. And then I do something I never, ever think in a million years I would do.
I say nothing.
NOTHING.
Not a word.
I know that actions – actions – speak much louder than words.

In the middle of the night, when Ken gets up to pee, folded ever so perfectly over the toilet-paper holder, is a linen napkin.

And because I am up at this ungodly hour, sitting at my computer, I can hear him – somewhat faint, but definitely irritated:

“Smartass.”

(and here is a toilet paper commercial vimeo link that is now running in France – love love love it)

http://vimeo.com/m/62470169