life is messy

life is messy.
it is.
it is messy.
and most folks don’t like messy.
it’s true.
most folks like tidy & neat & wrapped in a bow.
yes, it’s true.
not all folks, but most.
we love the happily-ever-after, the non-confrontational, the clean sheets and yes, the neat drawers.
we do.
but life is not like that.
marriage, friendship, co-workers, neighbors, brothers/sisters, sisters/brothers, housekeepers, contractors, mothers/fathers…parents, children, pets.

pets are messy.

the list is long.
it goes on.

life is messy.
and messy is different – way different – than hard.

messy is cleaning up, mopping up, re-arranging, washing & drying, replacing, replenishing, renewing.
messy is cluttered closets, embarrassing basements, junk drawers, overgrown lawns, overgrown cuticles, unpolished nails, misshaped eyebrows.
messy is over flowing garbage.
literally & figuratively.
life is messy.

we say things and do things and rewind and rehash and remember too much.
we apologize too often for being all too human.
we push shit under the rug, and then pray & hope – out-loud & silently – that no one wants to vacuum.
we speak our truth and then wish we hadn’t.
we say yes, and wish to god we had said no.

we say no and wish to god we weren’t so impatient, impulsive.

life is messy.

it is filled with screaming & fighting & kicking & fuck you… no, no…fuck you.

life.
is.
messy.
it is filled with miscommunication, misunderstanding and mistakes.

and yes, life can be horrifying, unjust, painful, cruel, unfair and scary.

holy shit.
horrifying, and unjust and painful and cruel and yes, scary beyond belief.

life.
life.
life.

last week ken had surgery, and his anesthesiologist came in (right before the surgery) and told ken that because of his heart problem which, yes, we knew about, they would have to keep him – ken – in the recovery room for 24 hours. to monitor him, to make sure nothing goes wrong.
i know, i know… it’s a good thing.

monitoring, watching, but trust me, it’s very easy for me to go from oh he’ll be fine, to body bag in 30 seconds flat.

and so, we – ken & i – kissed, and said good-bye and i left…

and i sat in the waiting room and waited.
with other folks.
some were worried sick, some were texting, some were watching tv, some were drinking coffee, some were meditating, some were praying, some were talking about (or to) their spouses, brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, daughters, sons, friends, neighbors…some were just staring out the window.

the waiting room was filled with life.

life.

and then, after a few hours, i was able to see ken.
finally.
and the very first thing ken said to me was this:
we get to argue more.

life is so beautifully messy.

Category: Uncategorized 7 comments »

7 Responses to “life is messy”

Maya
September 15th, 2013 at 9:32 pm
You make me weep. My Darryl has aortic stenosis and has had a quadruple coronary bypass. We’ve had 13 years since that he-was-ready-to-drop-dead time and now we face more work to keep him here. Even though he’s as flawed as I am, even when I want to smack him upside the head, even when he pees on the toilet seat and doesn’t get why I’m so pissed about it, even then — it’s worth every bit it will take to keep him here.

I love you. Soul-deep, ocean-wide.
Barbara Lodge
September 16th, 2013 at 1:21 am
True. Love. Beautiful.
Sheila Hayworth
September 16th, 2013 at 9:06 am
What a strange time to announce heart problems when you’re already nervous about the surgery on the knee. I wish you well, get him on the right diet, get him to the gym or better yet a swimming pool. The best part of heart disease is it can be reversed!
No one ever told us life would be so fucking hard, so intense, yet one sunset makes it all feel worthwhile!
kristine
September 16th, 2013 at 7:09 pm
goosebumps the size of waffles cover my body head to toe right now. and you know that is a long way up and down.
honey, this is beautiful. no one writes like you and no one else should ever try because you have a gift that is bigger than you are.
love to you, ken and the new knees.
Hugh McCormack
February 22nd, 2014 at 11:01 pm
You

You!

YOU!!!
Megan Bostic
March 19th, 2014 at 3:11 pm
I love this. Life can be so messy and cruel and horrible, but isn’t it beautiful to find happiness in the idea of argument? 🙂
Sheila Bergquist
July 24th, 2014 at 3:57 am
I absolutely love this. It is so spot on and yes, life is messy. I just found your site and am now ready to read on and on.