A is for Ambien
Mommy loves her sleep.
Mommy loves sleeping eight to ten uninterrupted hours a night.
Mommy “hearts” Ambien.
B is for Benadryl
Mommy takes this when her allergies kick in. Like during the Spring and Summer months when there is so much pollen and crap in the air that her head throbs, and her throat closes, and her nose gets all runny, and itchy, and this makes Mommy a little itsy bitsy cranky, and that’s why Mommy tells you to go outside and play with your friends so Mommy can have some “quality” quiet time.
Mommy likes her quiet time.
C is for Cialis
When Mommy is horny and Daddy can’t get it up, this is what Daddy takes and this helps Daddy make Mommy happy, and when Mommy is happy, Daddy is very, very happy and when Daddy is happy, Mommy is very happy and then you get toys, and then everyone is happy.
D is for Demerol
Mommy takes this for pain, like when she’s playing golf with Daddy even though she absolutely frickin’ hates golf because Mommy has carpal tunnel syndrome, but she plays golf anyway because Daddy likes golf, but Mommy deeply, deeply resents it, so Mommy takes this medicine because it gets rid of both the pain and the resentment.
E is for Effexor
When Mommy gets depressed or anxious, and has one of her panic attacks in the middle of Barneys 70 % off everything sale, or in Bergdorf’s, this medication, this little tiny pill, helps Mommy get through the rest of the day with a plastered fake smile, and some free samples from Chanel and ReVive.
“Light a candle for one, and then everyone can see the shoes that are on sale.”
F is for Flonase
Mommy uses this nasal spray when the Benadryl isn’t kicking in, and it makes a funny loud swishy kinda sound, and sometimes Mommy does this in a public place, like in a restaurant, or at the theatre and this always, always embarrasses Daddy. And then Daddy yells at Mommy in a public place and then they don’t talk to each other for hours and hours.
And when Mommy sees a pair of lovely earrings in the window of The Jewel Box on Madison Avenue, she grabs Daddy by the arm, points to the earrings and says, “You can apologize now.” That’s why Mommy always has such nice jewelry, and someday all of that jewelry will be yours when Mommy dies.
G is for Gas-X
Mommy takes this so her stomach doesn’t extend or bloat because then Mommy would look pregnant or worse, fat, and Mommy doesn’t want to be pregnant or fat, but Mommy loves you very, very much, and she’s very, very happy that you’re an only child.
H is for Habitrol
This is so Mommy can stop smoking, even though Mommy doesn’t want to stop smoking. Mommy likes smoking because it calms her nerves and when Mommy is calm, everyone is calm, and when Mommy is crazy, everyone is crazy. But Daddy, and Grandma Syl – that fat unkempt fuck – both hock Mommy to stop smoking, so Mommy uses this patch. It’s an ugly patch and Mommy has nothing to wear with it, and it’s not helping. It’s ugly and useless. But the Demerol helps. So Mommy chips off a little teeny piece of Demerol with her teeth, just a smidgen, and it melts in her mouth, and pouffff, then mommy is happy.
I is for Ibuprofen
Mommy takes this when she has a headache. And she can buy it at any drug store over the counter.
And Mommy can drink alcohol and operate a car and/or even dangerous machinery while taking this medication.
J is for Jolivette
Mommy uses this to prevent estrogen from thickening the lining of her uterus, so that she’ll never ever have pain that is related to endometriosis, which is a nasty, and unpleasant pain, the “stay the fuck away from me” kind of pain, because if that were to happen … she and Daddy wouldn’t have sex because the pain would be too excruciating and that would make Daddy very, very, VERY cranky and unhappy, and then Mommy will have to take more Effexor.
K is for Klonopin
Mommy takes klonopin when she has to get on an airplane so that she doesn’t have a severe panic attack and scare all the other passengers, because Mommy is prone to do that, and because you’re much too young, you’ve never seen Mommy on an airplane, but someday you will, and hopefully by that time Mommy will have either gotten over her fear of flying, or there will be a much stronger drug.
L is for Lorazepam
Mommy takes Lorazepam when Daddy is driving.
It keeps her from screaming out loud.
M is for Morphine
Sometimes late at night, when everyone is fast asleep, Mommy gets down on her hands and knees and prays to the almighty God, or Goddess that someone will bring her Morphine as a present in a real Prada handbag, unlike the black market kidneys that were coming into the United States in faux Prada bags.
“It’s called a twofer. It’s not just a handbag – it’s a handbag plus a kidney.”
N is for Nicoderm
Mommy started using this when Habitrol became completely useless.
O is for Omega-3.
Mommy takes this so she doesn’t have coronary artery disease, heart disease, or a stroke. But sometimes Daddy does or says something that makes Mommy go completely frickin’ nuts and it feels like she’s at the beginning throws of a cerebral hemorrhage.
P is for Percodan
Mommy takes this after she bangs her head against a brick wall over and over and over again because no one — not one single frickin’ person — is listening to her.
Q is for Quaalude
Mommy used to take this when she was much, much younger and didn’t care who she was sleeping with. This was mommy’s very, very, very favorite drug, and if she had a choice between a perfectly cut flawless 10-carat yellow Diamond, or two Rorer 714 Quaaludes, she’d take the Rorer’s.
R is for Retin-A
This helps keep Mommy’s skin looking much younger, and radiant and a lot less wrinkly, this way Daddy won’t leave her for a young hot chick with big tits and no brain.
S is for Stool Softener
Mommy uses this so her poop is smooth and silky soft when it’s eliminated from her system. Mommy doesn’t like to squeeze too hard when she’s pooping, it makes her ass hurt, and her lips pucker, and then little tiny lines appear around her mouth, and that puts mommy in a very foul and retched mood as you can just imagine.
T is for Testosterone
This is something both Mommy and Daddy are taking so that their sex life has a little more UMPHHHH to it.
But it’s all a crock of bullshit. The reason Mommy and Daddy aren’t having sex is because your Daddy is an asshole.
U is for Ultracet
Mommy gives her co-worker Toby all of her ultracet’s because Toby is addicted to pain pills, and Toby gives Mommy her Ambien, because Mommy “hearts” Ambien. That’s called a drug trade.
And someday you’ll be doing that with a friend too.
V is for Valium
You know when we’re stuck in traffic, or we can’t find a parking space, and Mommy screams at the other drivers, and you say, “Mommy, please, that’s so icky and embarrassing,” that’s a good time for Mommy to pop a valium. It makes her feel more at ease, and then she doesn’t give a shit about anyone else on the road.
W is for Wellbutrin
Mommy takes this so she doesn’t feel unhappy and psychotic all day long. And sometimes Mommy takes a little bit more, and sometimes Mommy takes a little bit less, but … and this is very important for you to know for future reference incase you ever have to call Mommy’s doctor … Mommy must never ever do that without asking her doctor first about upping or lowering the dosage. So put Mommy’s Doctor’s phone number on ‘speed dial’ on your brand new shiny sleek iPhone (with every APP known to man) that you got for being such a good little girl.
That’s D for Doctor, honey.
X is for Xanax
When Mommy runs out of Lorazepam, and she has to wait for her Doctor to call in a new prescription, she takes a Xanax.
Mommy likes Xanax, but not as much as Lorazepam.
Did you know the generic name for Xanax is Alprazolam?
Can you say Alprazolam?
Y is for Yodxin
Mommy doesn’t take this drug.
It’s for infections.
Mommy doesn’t have any infections. But Rita, our neighbor, does have an infection because Rita is a lying cheating skanky whore. She has a lot of infections. Never ever have unprotected sex with pro-golfers and/or Politicians because then you’ll end up like Rita, lonely and bitter and infected.
Z is for Zoloft
Mommy takes this so we can all live happily ever after.